The Accurate If Greatly Embellished Tale Of
Erin Hoku Atmodahn Sunderam Iteopta Peta Karma Changchub
On the night I was born, the scantily-clad doctors at St. Victim's hospital refused to believe my screaming mother's pleas to cut her open, only to realize on reflection, almost-too-late, that indeed, her pelvic bones were deformed, and I had been banging my wrinkled and knobby head against her formidable bones for hours.
I never stopped cracking my cranium. Before the age of seven I had approximately nine concussions, which rendered my sense of smell nonexistent. The loss of this pitifully common sense, however, caused in me a stirring change in supernatural prowess. My telekinetic and extrasensory perception began to kick in for me as early as age four. At first, these powers proved erratic at best, however as time progressed I began to harbor some degree of control over them.
Later that year, I accidentally fell headlong into a vat of *felix felicis* and nearly drowned; fortunately I was saved. Like Obelisk falling into the druid's potion, this early slip-up blessed my life with eternal good luck.
My parents brought me with them through my youth as they visited exotic lands as spiritual seekers. This exposure early on to foreign peoples and cultures had an enormous impact on me, and I took the opportunity to utilize my magical powers and extreme good fortune to greet every experience with a sense of humbled awe and adventure.
In India, at the ashrams of first Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, a.k.a. Osho, and later H.W.L. Poonjaji, I learned ancient wisdom and magical secrets from sadhus and sorcerers, gurus and beggars.
Under the rearing of my father, a healer roots-deep in knowledge of numerous ceremonies and rituals ranging from the Lakota *inipi* to the manifestation of balls of light from Venus, I undertook the *ihambleiciyapi* ceremony of Crying-For-A-Vision, wherein the gods bestowed upon me the powers of the Sacred Clown.
Years later, my first *satori* heralded my great fortune to also be a **** good rapper. Recent years have seen my fantastic destiny take further shape as I realized the guise of Baffle, Master of Ceremonies. I like burgers and dancing. Oft, the weary hands of gore. Speak not to me about wandering turnpikes, nor the effervescent miles of yore. Begone with grout.
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