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British Car Humour    <b>*    An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.  "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.  "Well, do you have a fax machine?"  The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."  "Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.  Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.  A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.  The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"    </b>*    Link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/90q3/rollsr.html
3 0r 4 Languages?    <b>*    "I speak four languages," proudly boasted the door man of a hotel in Rome to an American guest. "Yes, four - Italian, French, English, and American." "But English and American are the same," protested the guest. "Not at all," replied the man. "If an Englishman should come up now, I should talk like this: 'Oh, I say, what extraordinarily shocking weather we're having! I dare say there'll be a bit of it ahead.' But when you came up I was just getting ready to say: 'For the love o' Mike! Some day, ain't it? Guess this is the second flood, all right.' "    </b>*    Link: http://www.language-translation-help.com/british-english.html

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Do You Speak English?    <b>*    The British Ambassador walked briskly into the foyer of a Washington hotel, and stopped for a moment to speak with one of the bright-buttoned servitors in the lobby. After he walked on, an assistant manager who had noted the incident, went over to the boy and said, "What did the Ambassador want?" "I don't know," answered the bell-hop. "He couldn't speak English."    </b>*    Link: http://www.language-translation-help.com/british-english.html
How about Some Food Differences Between British and US-English :    *    English ............. American   <del>-</del>----    courgette ......... zucchini     mars bar .......... milky way    milky way ......... three musketeers    opal fruits ......... starburst    chips ................ french fries    crisps ............... chips    * Link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/95q4/uk.html   http://static.neatorama.com/images/2012-03/bread-cookie-english-chinese.jpg
Mixed Up Gifts    <b>*    A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love.    </b>*    P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."    ***    Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Mixed Up Gifts * A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love. * P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." *** Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Spoon, or Knife and Fork ? * A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt." The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?" * Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Lacking Nutrition?    <b>*    Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."    </b>*    Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes/3
Safe Distances ?  Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:  •	Violinist: 25 feet  •	Bad Violinist: 50 feet  •	Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet  •	15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet  •	Accordionist: 60 miles  Link: http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#vocal
Defective Golf Swing ?    <b>*    After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."    </b>*    Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Whose Jeep Is Stuck ?    <b>*    During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."    </b>*     Link: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/MilJoke.htm
Worse Punishment ?   <b>*   An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"   </b>*   Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=28
Where's this Screaming Baby from?    <b>*    Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"    </b>*    Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes/8
What Does the Night Sky Tell You ?    <b>*   Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, John woke up his friend. "Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asked John. Jack thought for a minute and said. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" After a moment of silence, John spoke. "It tells two things to me. First is that... you are an idiot." Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said. "Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent." replied John.    </b>*   Link: https://unijokes.com/friendship-jokes/4/
Justice on Trial ?    <b>*    A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"   </b>*   Link: http://jokes4all.net/cheating-jokes?p=10
Proposal  <b>*   A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3: 20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3: 10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3: 20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3: 10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."   </b>*     Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=20
The Vow of Silence   <b>*   A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed. After the first three years, the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"   - "Food cold!" the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.   Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"   - "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"   - "Bed hard!". The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"   - "I quit!" said the man.   "Well," the abbot replied, "I'm not surprised - you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"   </b>*   Link: http://www.ba-bamail.com/content.aspx?emailid=19381
A Cooking Alternative ?   <b>*   How To Cook A Turkey:    Step 1: Go buy a turkey   Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey   Step 3: Put turkey in the oven   Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey   Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens   Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink   Step 7: Turk the bastey   Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get   Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer   Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey   Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours   Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey   Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick   Step 14: Turk the carvey   Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch   Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey   Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out.     </b>*     Link: http://www.theholidayspot.com/thanksgiving/jokes.htm#5ehcuiUWZC11IcyO.99
Bedtime for Whom?   <b>*   Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Jonny fall asleep.   Half an hour later mommy opens quietly the door and asks: “And, is he asleep?”  Little Jonny answers: “Yes, finally.”   </b>*    Links: http://www.short-funny.com/clean-jokes-5.php#ixzz4zH084zF8 and http://www.short-funny.com/clean-jokes-5.php
Who Is the Strongest ?   <b>*   A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!" The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"   </b>*   Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes
<b>Ready Answers ?</b>    <b>*   A customer at a supermarket asked Ranjeet, the shelf packer if he could buy half a cucumber. Ranjeet, went to his boss and told him: "There is an idiot who wants 1/2 a cucumber". Unfortunately the customer had followed him and was standing right behind him. When Ranjeet realised this, he quickly added "Oh and this gentleman wants the other 1/2". Later the boss said he was very impressed by his fast thinking and asked him where he came from. "I come from Chatsworth" Ranjeet replied and quickly added "Nothing much comes from there except musicians and prostitutes." To which the boss said: "Oh really? My wife comes from Chatsworth". The quick response from Ranjeet was: "Is that so? What instrument does she play?"   </b>*    Link: http://jokes4all.net/boss-jokes?p=5
<b>Sober Like a Judge ?</b>  <b>*          Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."   </b>*   Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/clean-jokes/30
Why so Early ?   <b>*  One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"     </b>*   Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes
Brass Antiques    <b>*    A man is browsing an antique shop when he sees a striking brass rat. He ask the owner how much. He says, "$100, but you can't return it! It's been returned twice and I don't want to see it again." The man pays the money and walks to his car. He sees a rat scurry under his foot. As he drives along, he notices a few more rats scurrying along behind his car. As he continues, he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees more and more rats following after him. He floors it and the rats begin to catch up, getting more and more numerous. Finally, he drives over a bridge and throws the brass rat over the side, watching as the army of rats follow the statue into the churning river below. The man drives back to the antique shop. The owner sees him enter and says, "I told you, no returns on that brass rat!" The man says to the owner, "No, no, I don't want to return it. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer?"        </b>*  Link: from Nick O, http://jokes4all.net/army-jokes?p=3
Want to be healed?  <b>*   Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.   When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"   "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.   The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.   When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."    </b>*  Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/hunt003.html
Smart Dog  <b>*   A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."   </b>*   Link: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Package#ixzz4y7SKIS7V

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