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JC Biology Class  Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."   Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly,  "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."  With that she sat down, red-faced.   Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.  Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."   "Correct," said Mr. Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."   Link: http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/school1.html#old_fashioned_catholic_discipline
Religious Golf ?  The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.   "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.   The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.   "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"   "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."   Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/gol002.html
<b>A Most Confusing Story:  Everybody, somebody, anybody, and nobody</b>  -<b>*-  This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody. -</b>*- Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/bus150.html
Impressing the others <b>* A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.  He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.  Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.  Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.  He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.  Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"  The TSGT said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."  </b>*  Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/war052.html
Lacking Ideas ? ***  This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look. "Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."  "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"  "Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."  Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?" --- Link: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/valiaveedans/vQyY21W6rvw
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean? * NEW - Different colour from previous design.  ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.  FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.  ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.  REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.  YEARS OF...[Show All] DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.  MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.  MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.  SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.* Link: http://www.bizcommunity.com/Jokes/196/12.html [Show Less]
Is there a Justice in this World ?  I.R.S. Parking Tickets <b>* The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Boston Globe, April 13, 1990 * Is there justice in this world? Well, in Jacksonville, Fla., an Internal Revenue Service car parked outside the federal courthouse was "booted" for unpaid parking tickets, forcing tax collectors to fork over $122.50 to set it free. * The IRS had to pay $95 for five tickets, a $25 removal fee plus $2.50 for processing to get the boot taken off, said Gertrude Bradley, clerical supervisor for the city parking division. * With the tax-filing deadline closing in, courthouse employees were chuckling about the IRS' misfortune. But the agency was not amused. "We're not pleased with it," said spokesman Holger Euringer. Yeah, we're all really upset. </b>*  Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/true034.html
What Is Resurrection ?  <b>*</b><b>  A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.  Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."  It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down from their laughter.   </b><b>*</b> http://www.jokelibrary.net/religion/church-supp2.html#resurrection
Short-tempered Controllers The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.  Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."  Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.  Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"  Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."  Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"  Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop". Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/true025.html
Have You Ever Seen Such Signs?  <b>* On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'  Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.  Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'  A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest. Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'  A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'  Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you. Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot" "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."  I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. </b>* Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/ads08.html
The Difference Between Anger And Exasperation     <b>*       A young girl asked her father, dad, what's the difference between anger and exasperation?"   The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"   The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"   "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch . . . " The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.   "Now look here!" came the heated reply.  "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.   The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared,   "Hello!"  The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?" </b>* Link: http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/phone.html#the_pope_and_chief_rabbi_phone_the_lord
The Farmer and the Kid <b>* A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!"  the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  says the farmer. "Sure I can!"  the kid says, and takes off down the road. The kid comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. </b>* The farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells, "where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape," says the kid, "this here's duck tape.  I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the farmer. "Sure I can!"  the kid says, and takes off down the road. The kid comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. <b>* The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!"  the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick," says the kid, "this here's pussy willow." </b>* "Hang on," yells the farmer, "I'll get my hat." *** Link: http://www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/farmer1.html#jew_hindu_and_lawyer_at_farm_house
The Farmer and the Kid * A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the farmer. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. The kid comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. * The farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells, "where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape," says the kid, "this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the farmer. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. The kid comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. * The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick," says the kid, "this here's pussy willow." * "Hang on," yells the farmer, "I'll get my hat." *** Link: http://www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/farmer1.html#jew_hindu_and_lawyer_at_farm_house
What do you feel like complaining about?
What's something you love but can rarely afford?
What's a dream you have given up on?
If there was one thing you could have everyday what would it be?
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.   They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is).   As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down.   When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
Post a favourite song in a language other than English
Building apart, what is a brick useful for?
Post a song that has wildlife in its title
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?  <b>* NEW - Different colour from previous design.  * ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.  * FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.  * ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.  * REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.  * YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.  * MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.  * MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.  * SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell. </b>* Link: http://www.bizcommunity.com/Jokes/196/12.html
Getting Rid of Things Not Worth Keeping Around the House? * From a church bulletin:   "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."
What was the last thing you said 'never again'to?
Acts 2.38 ?   An elderly woman had just returned home from an evening church service when she realized there was an intruder in her home.   Seeing that he was in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, the lady yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!"  Hearing her, the burglar stopped dead in his tracks and stood motionless. The woman calmly called the police and explained what was going on.  As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a Bible verse at you."  "Bible verse?" said the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"  https://www.bluehorizonprints.com.au/bhp-images/wp-content/uploads/house-alarm-systems.gif
Butterfly: Flutter-by, Flutter-by - or Fly on Butter ? Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious. The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by." "Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "mariposa". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!" "Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!" At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?" *** http://www.workjoke.com/linguists-jokes.html https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lepidoptera

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