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I just love it when people regurgitate the same old tired assumptions about me.
Nothing ruins your appetite quicker than watching a elderly lady eat chicken wings.
It's better to find humor in our differences than hatred. It's better to seek peace than hunt for war.
Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you're trying to be everyone else's anchor.
One of the best feelings is when someone understands you without you having to say anything.
Anything with the power to make you laugh over thirty years later isn’t a waste of time. I think something like that is very close to immortality.

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Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

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I am grateful having a few authentic and non-judgemental friends.
Fish look like they're constantly being surprised by something.
It's almost like the other people in this hot tub have never seen someone straddle a jet stream.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet...Oh my god, that fu%$ing thing would never shut up.  But the bird was cool.
It's not really surprising that unqualified people with no experience and no plan are doing a horrible job.
Go ahead & underestimate my silence.
You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

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I love my gynecologist. I don't even care that he may have Parkinson's.
Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?
Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.
Long you live & high you fly And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry And all you touch and all you see Is all your life will ever be.
An orgasm is not one of those things you can do with or without. A partner is optional, an orgasm is not.

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