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One day I AM SOOOOOO going to drive a steam locomotive...no matter what!
3 0r 4 Languages?    <b>*    "I speak four languages," proudly boasted the door man of a hotel in Rome to an American guest. "Yes, four - Italian, French, English, and American." "But English and American are the same," protested the guest. "Not at all," replied the man. "If an Englishman should come up now, I should talk like this: 'Oh, I say, what extraordinarily shocking weather we're having! I dare say there'll be a bit of it ahead.' But when you came up I was just getting ready to say: 'For the love o' Mike! Some day, ain't it? Guess this is the second flood, all right.' "    </b>*    Link: http://www.language-translation-help.com/british-english.html

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Do You Speak English?    <b>*    The British Ambassador walked briskly into the foyer of a Washington hotel, and stopped for a moment to speak with one of the bright-buttoned servitors in the lobby. After he walked on, an assistant manager who had noted the incident, went over to the boy and said, "What did the Ambassador want?" "I don't know," answered the bell-hop. "He couldn't speak English."    </b>*    Link: http://www.language-translation-help.com/british-english.html
Just when i thought liberal government couldn;t reach a new level of BS and downright stupid dictatorship, I get proven wrong yet again.

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How about Some Food Differences Between British and US-English :    *    English ............. American   <del>-</del>----    courgette ......... zucchini     mars bar .......... milky way    milky way ......... three musketeers    opal fruits ......... starburst    chips ................ french fries    crisps ............... chips    * Link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/95q4/uk.html   http://static.neatorama.com/images/2012-03/bread-cookie-english-chinese.jpg
Sweater Vests: Just say NO!!

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Mixed Up Gifts    <b>*    A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love.    </b>*    P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."    ***    Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Mixed Up Gifts * A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love. * P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." *** Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Saw this and thought it might give you a laugh...
A COWBOY’s TOMBSTONE:  Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.....    FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:........  1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.<b>*</b>*  2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.<b>*</b>*  3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.<b>*</b>*      4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.<b>*</b>*   5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Spoon, or Knife and Fork ? * A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt." The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?" * Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Lacking Nutrition?    <b>*    Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."    </b>*    Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes/3
Steampunk.  Beats Going to the Gym.

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Poor old guy glad it didn't short out his pacemaker lol
I just learned that Trump endorsed a PDF file was for the Senate.  First the Republicans say corporations are people now they want files to become members of congress.  This is absurd!

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Going to Church in Chicago........When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby  church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.     As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?    He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."  I told him I was not paralyzed.    Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."  Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me.  After the sermon, I stepped outside and lo and behold ---   My car was gone!
It's Friday night. I played hard to get and didn't get got. So why don't you have a date tonight?
NEGATIVE PEOPLE..... A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip  to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who  responded:   "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"  "We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"  "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"  "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."  "Don't go any further..  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."  "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."  "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."  A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,  but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful,  and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a  jewel,  the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"  "Well," muttered the hairdresser,  "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the  Pope."  "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me..  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."  "Oh, really!  What'd he say?"  He said: "Who messed up your hairdo?!”
NEGATIVE PEOPLE..... A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further.. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who messed up your hairdo?!”
And how was your ride to work this morning?
Safe Distances ?  Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:  •	Violinist: 25 feet  •	Bad Violinist: 50 feet  •	Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet  •	15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet  •	Accordionist: 60 miles  Link: http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#vocal
What’s been your worst experience staying in a hotel?
Defective Golf Swing ?    <b>*    After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."    </b>*    Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29

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