The mind is a very interesting thing. Especially when it comes to sexually items... I know a number of people who have turn ons that they can't explain... or have had fantasies about something kinky or different... that they don't understand why, but simple know that it has happened in their mind.
I would randomly guess, that one factor might be that in your mind you can control it... yes it's still rape... but your mind can subconsciously control what happens to some degree, maybe a large enough of a degree to make it pleasurable?
Also some people, just naturally like aggressive strangers... I have a friend, who seems to be most attracted to strangers. The most he knows someone already, the less interested he is to trying to flirt with them (and I'm expecting that's a bad sign for any marriage he might get into).
I'm just blindly speculating without knowing much on this. Also it could be some type of coping mechanisms, maybe?
When I thought about it more, I wondered if it could be a coping mechanism.
Like, sexual stuff was on your mind and subconsciously the rape is still on your mind... and you're mind is just trying to turn that horrible event into something positive so that it doesn't hurt you anymore than it already has?
Just a thought.
I've actually spoken with some people about this... what I've concluded of it, it's not really the rape part that is supposed to be exciting, the part of you being forced, is the idea that someone wants you so much they can't control themselves. Still, no it's a no. If you can't respect it, you're scum in my book.
I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I'm not a psychologist, but I'd say your subconscious mind associated sex with rape, so your normal biological desire for sex manifested as a rape fantasy. It's not so much that you wanted to be raped, it's just something that was there when your thoughts drifted toward sex.
Oh I honestly wish I had an answer for ya because I was raped & almost murdered at the age of 15 however what you are experiencing is something that I never did. In fact I had a hard time letting people around me. My best recommendation is talking with a professional. While it didn't work for me, it might work for you. Also there are good support groups out there, you might check them out as well. Best of luck.
IF you want you can talk to me I have a few coping mechanisms Just anything i can do to help I would like to give you
thats me too, except I've been bdsm before I was raped, Probably they thought "oh she likes bondage she'll never tell on us no one will believe her, and you know what they were right for a while
I've heard it could be a defense mechanism. For instance, some women might become wet being raped as a form of protection. The genealogy goes back to societies that were often raped and pillaged by barbarians.
I am not a professional, just so you know. I do not want to say anything bad or incorrect... but I will tell you what it might be. Maybe the fantasies were/are your way of transforming something utterly horrific into something positive, and a way of regaining your autonomy and power over your sexuality.
Rape is a form of control. In your fantasies, YOU have the control.
Your only experience with sexuality that involved another person prior to your teen age years was that rape. Generally speaking, what stimulates (turns people on) when they becomes sexual in the teen age years (and much older for that matter) depends on what has been sexuallized for us in our life prior to the arrival of the hormones of the teen age years. You may be able to "work this one out" with a professional if you are interested. But the primary potential downside I can see would be that you might be inclined to put yourself in harms way more readily because this is a fantasy of yours. Just be aware---there's nothing wrong with you.
OH OK Oz pointed me here to your original question. It may not be fanticizing, just thinking. I know I would hate to be forced and never have been, yet I think of it and tell my self oh how horible and pray ti God it will never happen. Thoughts aren't real and you can train them to be warnings, go take some self defense classes and don't ever bring yourself near violent men. Good luck girl.