1. Just a quick shower. In and out. I have places to be.
2. When will I learn my lesson and stop standing outside the shower naked until the water heats up??
3. OK we’re good to go.
4. Hmm, the water’s not quite hot enough.
5. Still not there.
6. Now it’s uncomfortably hot, perfect.
7. How much shampoo is actually the correct amount?
8. I’ll guestimate as I’ve been doing my whole life.
9. Time to shut my eyes and mouth as tightly as I can.
10. And my mouth.
11. They never have to do this in shampoo adverts.
12. The best bit about shampooing hair is that now it can be ~sculpted~ into new styles.
13. Oh shit it’s in my eyes.
14. Oh, and a little sud is in my mouth. This is how I die I guess. Naked, in the shower. Alone.
15. Phew. Turns out it rinses out and I’m fine. Until next time.
16. Huh, some of my hair looks like it’s coming out.
17. I’ll just pull at these strands.
18. And a few more strands.
19. A couple more...OK I’m done.
20. Where to put them?
21. I guess the logical thing would be to gather them and put them down the drain. Easy.
22. Or I could just swirl them on the walls…
23. My hair swirls are strangely beautiful. This is art.
24. They’re so abstract, so impactful.
25. OK I should probably rinse them off now because from past experience, people don't like me leaving them here.
26. Why does the back of the conditioner bottle say a “dime-sized” amount?
27. I need at least two giant handfuls of this stuff.
28. And then I wonder why I never finish my shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
29. Oh shit I’ve dropped my conditioner, this stuff is expensive.
30. It’s fine I’ll just scoop it off the shower floor.
31. Oh god it’s going down the drain I need to scoop faster.
32. Nobody must know I live like this.
33. While I’m here I guess I could shave my legs.
34. Crap, I’ve left my razor by the sink. I’ll just run over and try not to slip.
35. Maybe run was an exaggeration this is honestly a death trap.
36. Right, now I’ll just prop my leg up against the shower wall and...wow this is really uncomfortable.
37. Hmm, this bit of hair just doesn’t want to be shaved. I’ll go over it again.
38. Just once more, very carefully.
39. Aaaand now I’m bleeding.
40. I feel like a gymnast when I have to try and shave the back of my legs.
41. Perhaps...I could be a gymnast.
42. While I’m here...my toes do look a little hairy.
43. Do other people have hairy toes? Is it just me?
44. I’ll give them a little shave too.
45. Y’know with this water cascading down on me I feel like I’m in a sexy music video.
46. I probably look like I am too, except for the toe shaving and the bit where I scraped conditioner off the floor.
47. I’m actually a great dancer.
48. Though also I’m glad nobody can see this.
49. Maybe I’ll scrub myself dramatically with the sponge, make it part of the routine.
50. Oh I need to pee. That’s not so sexy.
51. It’s 100% fine to do it here though.
52. Wow that is A LOT of pee. I make that much pee?
53. Ewwww a bit of it went on my foot, but that’s fine because what better place to clean it than in the shower?
54. This truly is a safe space to practise my singing.
55. Not that I need practise. I’m an undiscovered star.
56. Who would I thank when I win my Grammy awards? My parents, obviously, but also Beyoncè who will be my best friend once I’m famous.
57. I don’t think fame will get to my head.
58. One day when Jimmy Kimmel and I are chatting on his talk show, I’ll bring up this anecdote and everyone will laugh.
59. “Y’know Jimmy, years ago before I was famous I imagined coming on this talk sh-”.
60. Can whoever’s knocking on the door go away!
61. Oh, I’ve been in here for 45 minutes.
62. Time to wrap myself in a towel, sit on my bed and stare into space for two hours.
Who knew a shower could be so tramatic and exhausting? Ha! It took me longer to read the 62 items than it does for me to shower and shave. Ha! Unless I get into a good song:
Hey Will, sing us a song.
Here is a new one that I like:
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="ameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Good song, Will.
What about men? :)
Boy, my dick looks big today.
Before you get into the shower...ha...and there's a mirror, too...
Ouch, that water is too hot.
I have to hurry and get finished, more errands to run.
Wonder what I can fix for dinner.
Darn I dropped the soap.
Where's my conditioner bottle, heck it's on the vanity, again.
Darn it, I got water in my ears again....probably another earache coming on.
Dang it, I have no towel.
OMG, there's the phone ringing again.
This is how I got the idea to teach chemistry in a prison