If cause of death isn't listed, people will assume they asphyxiated while masturbating. amirite?

No that's when we see misadventure on the cause of death.

this. or arkancide.

You're obviously depraved of something 😬

"Asphyxiation while masturbating" and not "auto asphyxiation while masturbating"... this implies the John Doe might have been merrily cracking out a wank and someone else ran up to them and choked them out.. and if this is the default answer, it means it's happened more than once. So.. you could argue this description implies there's a serial killer out there who specialises in strangling victims while they masturbate. Such a person should surely be dubbed "The Chicken Choker Choker"

There once was a kung fu sensation,
Who often enjoyed masturbation.
He thought he'd enhance
His experience, perchance,
But he perished by asphyxiation.