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-1Spoon, or Knife and Fork ? A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt." The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?" Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Do you like NOT dying when your car crashes at 5 mph, or when you breath air or drink water, or when you operate machinery or plug in a coffee maker? Do you like having the right to petition your government for transparency and accountability? OR do you miss the old days of lead poisoning, black lung disease, government collusion? Do you want to dismantle the EPA, CPSC, OSHA and NTSB? Do you think over regulation is a bigger problem than the 'profits before people' motive?
-1Defective Golf Swing ? After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=29
Christmas Accident After a terrible Christmas Eve car accident, three guys died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the gates and asked that they show him something related to Christmas to enter heaven. The first guy rummages through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, lights it and said, "Christmas Candle." St. Peter agreed that there were indeed Christmas candles and let him pass. The second guy fishes around and pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "Christmas bells." St. Peter again agrees and sends him through. The third guy reached into his coat pocket and pulls out a pair of girls panties. St. Peter said, "Now what do panties have to do with Christmas?" The guy said "Oh, these are Carols."
Whose Jeep Is Stuck ? During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is." Link: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/MilJoke.htm
Worse Punishment ? An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?" Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=28
Proposal A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3: 20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3: 10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3: 20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3: 10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked." Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes?p=20
Who Is the Strongest ? A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!" The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?" Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes
Brass Antiques A man is browsing an antique shop when he sees a striking brass rat. He ask the owner how much. He says, "$100, but you can't return it! It's been returned twice and I don't want to see it again." The man pays the money and walks to his car. He sees a rat scurry under his foot. As he drives along, he notices a few more rats scurrying along behind his car. As he continues, he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees more and more rats following after him. He floors it and the rats begin to catch up, getting more and more numerous. Finally, he drives over a bridge and throws the brass rat over the side, watching as the army of rats follow the statue into the churning river below. The man drives back to the antique shop. The owner sees him enter and says, "I told you, no returns on that brass rat!" The man says to the owner, "No, no, I don't want to return it. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer?" Link: from Nick O, http://jokes4all.net/army-jokes?p=3
0Ploughing the land ? A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole." Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/farm018.html
0I rode... My bike to the gym, it was kind of easy going down hill, except when I had to ride on kind of a flat surface, I rode till I got exhausted so then I got off and walked with my bike. I took my bike into the gym as I do not have a lock yet, I did only ten minutes on the treadmill then my mum showed up with the car, we sat for a few minutes. We went to the beach, I put the bike in the back seat. Then we came home. It is not easy riding, but it was my first time in years riding a bike on the road.next time.
Silly Laws that got passed-- Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on. In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view." In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.
0Soldier Stands Guard A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/war031.html