+6,599Toddlers are like drunk people. They are always falling over, they mumble complete nonsense, food never makes it all the way into their mouth, they get very loud when they dont get their way and they pee/poop themselves without any guilt. amirite?
+3,474How to Lose Weight: Turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat when offered food. amirite?
+3,211This must be how it works; Germ #1- "Oooh, look dude, there's food on the ground, lets go." Germ #2- "Nahh, man. It hasn't been 5 seconds yet." Germ #1- "Yeah, you're right. Gotta follow the rules.", amirite?
+3,046The elderly should be sent to jail, and criminals to nursing homes. The eldery would have free hot food, snacks, free legal care, medical and health, security and safety, free clothing, access to pools, counseling and education, family visits, and care. The criminals would have cold food, left alone in a tiny room, limited showers and pay $5000 a month for the torture. amirite?
+2,904You know what's annoying? Cling wrap clinging to itself. I mean, all you wanted to do was cover some food in plastic but NOOO. First you gotta somehow hold the thing straight with one hand, then perform a small miracle by unclinging the stuff from itself. Then when you try to put it on the dish or whatever, it just clings to itself again. Also world hunger. That shit's pretty bad too, amirite?
+2,674It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb, amirite?
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+2,529An international school teacher asks her students a question: "What is your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?" African Student: "What's food?" European Student: "What's scarcity?" American student: "What are other countries?" Chinese Student: "What's my own opinion?", amirite?
+1,776You open frozen food, throw away the box. Put in microwave/oven... retrieve box from garbage to see how long it takes to cook, amirite?
+1,535You used to bounce on net-less trampolines, climb trees without supervision, sleep on the top bunk with no rail, eat food without washing your hands after being outside, swim without floaties, be in the car with no kiddie-lock, and play soccer in your street, and you grew up fine, amirite?
+1,517Dear Twilight lovers, Edward is waiting for you in the forest. Go find him. Now. Just leave. Don't take food or water. amirite?
+1,488You can make anything sound badass if you put the right spin on it. For example: Once a year in a human's life, to celebrate their continuing survival, food is created for them in an inferno hot enough to kill a man. That food is then lit ablaze and presented to the surviving one for them to extinguish with only their breath and then consume. amirite?
+1,350When it comes to food, we've been teaching our kids that it's fine to eat things such as Gingerbread Men, Animal Crackers and Gummy Bears. Surely they'd grow up with more morals if we gave them something like Jelly Jailmates? 'Hey Timmy, what're you up to?' "Just biting the head off a convicted criminal, Dad!" 'Attaboy!' amirite?
+1,307I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye. I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously had trouble listening, amirite?