0If you want this site to die, then pull the plug already. Don't let it limp along. More
+1British Car Humour An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto. A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver. The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?" Link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/90q3/rollsr.html
0The Vow of Silence A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed. After the first three years, the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" - "Food cold!" the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" - "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" - "Bed hard!". The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" - "I quit!" said the man. "Well," the abbot replied, "I'm not surprised - you've done nothing but complain since you got here!" Link: http://www.ba-bamail.com/content.aspx?emailid=19381
Why so Early ? One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'" Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes
Today the wind is blowing at gale force, I can't go outside because that wind will blow through my empty head and I will be destroyed for hours. Anyone else got this type of affliction :?)
did you do this? spend hours on the toilet with your head laid in your hands, with your eyes shut, I was under under 16 after that I stopped. I think I was thinking, I don't know why I did it. 🤔
+6There can be more than a phenotypic translation of genes between parents and their children. More
+6Tim Murphy the sponsor of the Republican anti-abortion bill in congress, you know, the guy who asked his mistress to get an abortion so he would not get 'caught'. He got caught. He has resigned. Shaking My Head.
Little Knowledge Is Dangerous Before I begin my story let me introduce myself to you. My name is Subin Thomas and I am a nineteen year old boy studying my Engineering from The University of Queensland in the capital city of Brisbane, Australia. I emigrated from India-my motherland a year ago and shifted to Australia leaving behind my parents in India. Now I live with my uncle John my mother's brother. He is a 47 year old man and works as a Financial Accountant for a reputed company. We live in an apartment located quite next to the Brisbane river. In my leisure time this where I would spend most my time gazing at the beautiful sight. In our courtyard there is a mango tree which is expected to fruit this summer but some recent unseasonal rains have spoiled the prospects of eating fresh ripe mangoes. When I was in India my father would always bring plentiful mangoes for me when the season arrived and I would not hesitate and eat up to 4-5 mangoes a day! This mango tree gives me the nostalgia of the time I had with my parents. Our neighborhood is also good and the surrounding is quite clean as compared to my home in India. But keeping all the shortcomings aside I would always prefer India over all. My college is about half a mile from my house so I either walk or cycle my way through. It starts at around 8 am and I reach home by 5 pm. My uncle leaves for office at the same time and arrives back by evening. Surprisingly my Uncle prepares the dinner as he turns out to be a good cook as well. Out of the two house-keys one he had for himself and the other one for me. My house is near to a popular tourist destination Mt. Cootha about 5 miles away. It has the highest peak in Brisbane. I have been there twice for hiking. Once you reach the summit its a beautiful sight to behold. I have been to Mt. Tibrogargan as well, a 2 hour journey from our house. It was initially closed for hiking but made accessible to people since 2015. It is the tallest Glasshouse mountain accessible to public. My stay in Australia till now has been quite amazing except for one unpleasant day which taught me a lesson of my life to not to come to a conclusion unless well informed of the situation. The story goes this way........ There was something unusual about this day as I readied myself for college. The weather forecast warned of heavy rains today. Back home in India the weather reports were often false but here in Brisbane they are rarely proved wrong. Because of the rains the college shut down early today at around 3 pm. On my way back home rains poured heavily, luckily I carried an umbrella. As I reached half-way I felt as if I was being followed by a stranger. When I looked behind I could see a man in his mid forty's keeping up with me at every turn. So I hurried myself and made my way back home hastily. It was quite unusual as I had never been pursued before. I went to the balcony to see whether the man had followed me up to my house and to my relief there was no one. The first thing I did when I returned home was watch T.V and so switched it on, but because of bad weather there was no signal. I have been given some project from college so I decided to complete that and went to my room upstairs. Once I was done with it, I looked up at the watch and it was about evening. Uncle John was to return by now but there was no sign of him. I waited long enough but finally lost my patience. I tried to call him up on his cell-phone but there was no network. Perhaps he was busy with some work and might come home late tonight. I waited for some more time but to no avail. I took a short nap and when I woke up it was already past dinner time. It was getting late enough to be worried. I once again stepped into the balcony and looked down. Except for one street dog that was lying down miserably near the gate, there was not a soul to be seen anywhere. Rain water had puddled under the lamp-post. A breeze ruffled the mango tree in the courtyard and a few twigs fell down and broke. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Did I hear a soft knock at the door? I turned back. At first I thought I was mistaken by the thunder but then a second knock followed which confirmed someone was at my door outside. It was already midnight and I had someone outside my house. I wondered if it was my Uncle himself. In order to clear my suspicions I decided to let him open the door as I knew he kept a key for himself. Then came a third knock which proved that it was someone else rather than my uncle himself. I was terrified. I waited for some time but no more knocks could be heard. He must have given up I presumed. Whoever it was knew that I was alone and used the situation to his advantage. I recalled the incident on my way home when I was chased by a man and wondered if it was the same guy. I was worried if he would return back with some lock picking tools and so I again tried to call my Uncle and again there was some network issue. I faced similar issues while contacting the cops. The only thing I could no was pray that the stranger does not return. Then I was struck by an idea about setting up numerous booby traps across the house as a part of countermeasure. The first one was at the entrance door where I placed weights on top of the door kept slightly ajar ready to fall on the person attempting to pass through. These weights would make chiming sound once they fall down from that height alerting me of his presence. I even placed an electric water heater gadget on the door knob inside the house. This would heat up the doorknob on the outside of the house as well. Once the intruder grabs the doorknob in an attempt to yank it open it would surely burn off some of the skin on his hand giving him hell of a red mark and forcing him to either head to the hospital immediately to get the skin from his butt grafted onto his hands or he would at least have to use a different entrance to get into the house, depending on how long he held onto the doorknob. Then as intruder makes his way into the house he would trip over the fancy toys and nails spread all across To improve his chances of stumbling down I poured oil all over the floor and kept all lights switched off. Now all the traps had been set up. The only thing I needed to do now was wait until the intruder arrives. I waited in my room upstairs and stayed vigilant. Suddenly at around 3 am I heard some squeaking noises from downstairs. My heart started racing as I knew it was the intruder who had broken into my house. I hoped that he was neutralized after setting off all my traps. I screwed up my courage and headed downstairs to check up on the intruder. As I reached the spot I saw someone of my Uncle's stature knocked out unconscious on the floor. He was bruised from head to toe. All my traps played their part and I was successful in bringing him down. Coincidentally his attire was very much similar to my uncle’s or was it really a coincidence? I switched on the lights to see who it was and could not really believe my eyes as he turned out to be uncle John himself. I immediately lifted him up and placed him on the sofa. He was still in an unconscious state so I stayed beside him and I bandaged his wounds. I felt really bad as my tactics worked but not in my favor and my own uncle fell victim to it. It was about morning around 6 am when he called up my name while I was asleep beside him in the adjacent sofa. I woke up and was relieved to see him conscious. I felt very embarrassed and told him about what happened last night. I apologized to him for the ordeal he had been through. I discussed the whole incident with him which started with successive knocks on the door at around midnight. My uncle recalled that he phoned up in the neighborhood to check up on me. So it must have been the neighbor from the adjacent house. The revelation was not easy for me to digest. The whole intruder-thing was just my imagination. My uncle had to work overtime and that was the cause of delay. The whole time since I heard the knocks, I had been under the false impression of encountering an intruder. I thought to myself that it was about time that I stopped watching lot of action movies as it reflected on my behavior. The lesson I learned from the whole incident is that one must not draw a conclusion without proper evidence as they say 'A little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. More
Have You Ever Seen Such Signs? On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.' Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice' A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest. Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead' A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!' Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you. Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot" "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/ads08.html
There was a Guru, whose student approached him one day and said, "I haven't learned anything this week...is there something you can teach me?" Whereupon the Guru hit the student so his head whipped around. The student cried: oh master, why did you do that! What was the lesson from the Guru..?