Due to a recent overhaul of the site i find myself visiting here less often as time passes. Maybe its the site, maybe its me, but i feel that we are growing distant... Nevertheless i shall endeavor to check in every now and again to ramble in the comment section or to spout my pearls of wisdom at those individuals who need it... many of which have never asked for it and even more of whom are currently telling me to stop. Anyhow, my role is more as a commentator than as a poster, because lets face it my posts were geared more towards the older "wild west days" of amirite, and frankly they just don't fit in with this new format. So if anybody cares... which i don't think anybody does... at all... ;_; thats what i'll be doing.
My epic story (has not been proofread, spellchecked and there is no coherent plot... enjoy.)
Oh hey, i didn't see you there. Welcome to my profile page, i'm Qeez and i'm here to tell you a completely true story. And when i say completely true i mean that this is a story that you can in no way prove didn't happen. My first story starts in the mighty frozen tundras during a particularly cold Antarctic winter.
The foul wind was howling a mighty ballad and i was weary due to the fact that I had just finished kayaking up the slopes of a mighty glacier. Too my left stood my lifetime friend Rick, a hulking man weighing a ton or two, clenching a fish between his jagged teeth.-- It is at this point in my story i feel that I should mention that rick is also a gargantuan polar bear. We were both famished and we needed shelter, but there was none to be found. I looked at Rick in dismay still clutching my half of the enchanted amulet that the crazed Buddhist store clerk had given us. The amulet quickly reminded us if how we got into this situation.
Thinking back to the memory of it all i can clearly see it. The clerk had filled our heads with promises of gold and wonders far beyond all that we could imagine. He told us that a long time ago chinese emporer named pijang jang had tried to conquer the southern pole. It took thirty years for Piang to create one stronghold in the heart of the tundra, but this one city became known as Hu Jang. Those who had seen it had called it the "frozen Jewel." This name could not be more fitting as Piang died during his fortieth year of life and with his passing came a mighty storm. The storm was so intense that the landscape was changed and Hu Jang was buried under the frost, lost to the ages. This story was so tantalizing that it captured our imagination and we sent off, recklessly, looking for treasure.
Snapping back out of my memory i met eyes with Rick again. We both silently thought the same thing "If we had only thought to bring some extra provisions." However, one can truly prepare only so much, and in all honesty how does one prepare for Nazi Banditos? The simple answer is you can't.
They boarded our dirigible mid-flight in the dead of night and took us by surprise. Despite the commotion it didn't take us long to piece together that they two were after the treasure. commandeering only what we needed Rick and i slowly set off in the dead of night leaving our beloved dirigible, but in return we escaped the banditos.
Fatigue has finally set in, Rick and I can trudge no further. "If only i had been a little bit more prepared." I thought to myself, with much chagrin. The Nazi Banditos had come so suddenly i didn't have a chance to change out of my man-pris (thats male capris for the uneducated. They are like pants, but they end just below the calf thus ensuring provide optimal maneuvering in intense situations. However, they have a fatal flaw, for all of there rugged intensity they leave little in the way of elemental protection, at least for everything lying between the ankle and the calf.)
Also, to any future adventurer looking to explore the Antarctic wastes i plead to you this: do not wear flip-flops. I know they sound like they should work much in the same manner as snowshoes...i thought the same thing, I have since discovered that this is not the case... fascinating.
coming back to reality the first thing i do is yell to rick "We need to make a fire and fast." trying to stifle the tones of panic in my voice.
"Nein! Wir haben keine baume fur ein feuer! " He replies in some unintelligible language... which is probably Korean, as i think bears naturally speak Korean, which means he is probably talking about starcraft, or something.
"We don't have time to talk about the Zerg's right now, we have to think about building finding fire wood!" I yell.
I can see Rick roll his eyes in displeasure.
-gathering of firewood ensues, its a really boring, and i'd hate to bore you with the details... so we are going to move along with the story-
After much searching we were unsuccessful in finding any wood, and before you ask "why didn't you just burn the kayak that i mentioned in part one of the story?" allow me to answer... shut up! that's why. Rick and i had to use our last resort, we had never tried it before, but legend tells of a man who survived in the arctic tundra by striking two penguins together on cold ice and subsequently created fire through sheer force of will.
Part 3 (formerly extended part 2)
This is a journal i kept cataloging our stay with the penguins... Some of the pages will not be included as they may be
- incriminating ---- boring.
Journal entry 1-
Current Penguin Fire status: N/A
Luckily i carry a positively dapper tuxedo with me at all times, so the penguin gathering will go much smoother.
Journal entry 2-
Current Penguin fire status:
After hours of surveying we have finally rounded up enough penguins for the task.
Journal entry 5-
-Current Penguin fire status: disaster!
everything smells like fish... so many penguins... they haunt me at night.
I am currently try to cipher out what went wrong i have concluded that either
A.penguins are a non-combustible entity
B. we are not striking hard enough
C. rick is most likely half-assing his job.
I'm hopeful, because even if Its cold, winter can't last forever.
Rick has just explained to me that winter will indeed last forever, as we are in antarctic. Reality sets in, and than depression. And than rick says that i will go through denial soon. But, he's a pessimist what does he know!?!?!
Journal entry 8-
-In order to survive we have decided to skin the deceased penguins and take their place in the mighty penguin herd. It SHALL BE DONE.
Journal entry 9-
-We have seamlessly waddled our way into the mighty penguin lifestyle. The hours are long and the space is limited, but we are alive. I have even taken to calling my neighbor spotty after the spots on his head, i think we are going to be fast friends.
Journal entry (what comes after 9?)-
-I was wrong spotty is a massive douche and a bully. he keeps stealing my rocks and i'm sure he is talking about me behind my back.
-Spotty is growing suspicious of Rick and I. We are going to have to settle this calmly to avoid attention.
Journal entry- T
-Rick straight up killed spotty.
-Ricks lousy acting got us into trouble today with the chief. The chief is crafty and may yet find out that we do not belong. However, i avoided too much attention by throwing a halibut by the wayside, thus distracting the chief.
Journal entry ???-
The penguins have exiled us because... ummmm... we were way too good at leading.Yeah... and.... uhhh... This was becoming a real problem because space was becoming limited, as too many penguins were surviving. And despite what those bastards in the penguin liberal media will tell you, i assure you we did not try to make another fire. like i said all the penguins are fine. in fact they all have beach homes.... in the Hamptons.... and.... uh...private jets. In fact i can most definitely say that we did not march them into a glacial crevice.