You hate it when people text you "k" because you're rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium. amirite?

Helium: HeHeHe, this is clever. Sodium: Na, it isn't that clever. Gold: Au, Sodium, YES it is. Silver: Ag, I don't get it.

Today, I saw a MAN AND A WOMAN HOLD HANDS IN PUBLIC! I mean, I don't have anything against heterosexuality, but don't flaunt it in front of me... think about the children, amirite?

Lawl! Like, I toootally respect heterosexuals and all, it's just they need to keep their heterosexuality to themSELVES. Also, again, I TOOOTALLY respect it, it's just well (lawl!) I don't think you straights should have have the right to marry either. My religion dictates it, and if you disagree then gersh, stop religiously persecuting me already! ALRIGHTBYELOL xoxo

Your first kiss was not at all what you expected. The movies make it seem so idealistic and romantic but in reality it kind of feels like your face is being consumed, amirite?

First ever was an accident..some guy saw the back of my head in the hallway, mistook me for his girlfriend, then really fast spun me around and attacked my face with his face
Still to this day have no fuckin clue who it was, he just shouted "OH SHIT BALLS YOU'RE NOT HER" and ran the other way

Every zoo is a petting zoo as long as you're not a pussy, amirite?

Imma pet a porcupine...with my penis.

Fuck Boy Scouts. Instead there should be MAN SCOUTS! Activities include tying knots WITH A PYTHON, pitching a tent MADE OF LATEX AND CYANIDE, and earning merit badges and pinning them to YOUR BARE NAKED, HAIRY TORSO. Girl scouts have cookies? That's cool. We've got SMOKED KRAKEN ON A STICK! Amirite?

Don't forget that on Tuesdays we have the PUNCH TROUT IN THE FACE CONTEST followed by CHOPPING DOWN TREES WITH YOUR DICK!

Those photo collage pictures on facebook of things that are written down are annoying, amirite?
You have dragons guarding the gates of your vagina to fight off rape sperm so you don't get pregnant, amirite?

Well, at first I only had the dragons I was born with. But I found Harry Potter really inspiring, so now I've got an arsenal of protective spells as well. There's the Thieves Downfall; that one reveals men who don't truly love me. And then, of course, there's the hymen that sucks people inside and traps them there. I check it once every ten years. And to even gain access to this place you need to show the key to my chastity belt to a bat-eared goblin. Next I'll be getting the "Welcome, stranger, but take heed" poem tattooed above my pubic hair. It's a work in progress.

It's cool when you see a tree and realize it's been there since before you were born. Just imagine all the stories it could tell, amirite?

"So this kid is flying a car..."

It's annoying when teachers ask really personal questions on the "Getting to Know You" papers. You don't want to tell them "something no one knows about you," amirite?

Just write, "Every teacher I have ever had has retired less than half way through the school year."

This is way more difficult to fix than you'd think, amirite?

Car's ruined. Time to buy a new one.

Some races are so worthless and stupid that we need to get rid of them. Like the egg and spoon, three-legged, etc. Amirite?

Also black people

The number one rule in dating; if they're good looking with a nice body, dont even think about approaching them. amirite?

So this is why no one ever approaches me...

How do you know if someone is vegetarian? Don't worry, they'll tell you. amirite?
@1818610

Oh my god BlacklightsAndQueens you can't just ask people if they eat fish.

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis... wait, I meant the ladder, amirite?
@justfuckmeup Stop trying to penis-- er, I mean witty.

I like penises--er, I mean... No, I mean penises.