You have entered the lair of TheWeasel, but you can call me Dr. Weasel. You now have two options: join me in my quest for world domination, or meet an unfortunate end at the hand of my EVILE minions.
Now, some may say, "Ah, foolish man, how could he possibly hope to succeed in this EVILE scheme of world domination?" Well allow me to explain. Actually, I have to, it's in the Supervillain Guidebook, Section 4, Subsection 23, Clause 78: "Before destroying his/her archnemesis or any operative of the forces of truth and justice, the supervillain is required to explain in great detail his/her devious plot to said nemesis/operative. Failure to comply could result in blah blah blah, instant death, blah blah, eternal punishment and torture, blah blah blah." You get the idea.
So as I was saying before being so rudely interrupted by...me...
My EVILE scheme to take over the world is not entirely my own. I also require the assistance of a few allies, plus various henchmen and minions. Joining me in my quest are the DARKE powers of OMFGitsME, Sillysunshinexox, Originality_is_Dead, KittyNinja, mlpanda13, neon_bunny, reddead, JohnPlaysGuitar, i_love_you_and_tacos, ShAvayourface, and my apprentice, chameleon.
Together, we shall gradually take over your innocent "social networking websites" that you currently use to amuse yourselves and to converse with your petty little friends. After we have gained control of amirite, MLIA, FmyLife, YouTube, Facebook, Gmail, Hotmail, and Twitter (but not MySpace. The last thing we need is a bunch of stalkers and prepubescent teens running around), we shall call upon their millions, if not BILLIONS, of mindless followers to petition their local governments to allow me and my cohorts to rule the entire civilized world, and Canada.
What? Do you not find my EVILE scheme strong enough? Do you think we should do more than simply petition the governments? Would you advise that we lead a full-scale revolt? Well we can’t do that, because then we might get arrested, and Perry the Platypus would come after us, and so would Chuck Norris, and we really didn’t want that, so we settled for a petition. But it will succeed! I promise you this!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
After we have conquered the world, we shall divide it as follows:
To Double S: The Cayman Islands, Mexico, California, Venezuela, New Hampshire, Georgia, Hershey Pennsylvania, and the Skittles factory in Texas.
To The Silver Chameleon: France and Atlantis.
To Kiba: Antarctica, New Zealand, Puerto Rico, a nice little neighborhood in Chicago, the Skittles factory in Cambridge, and Madagascar.
To me: Ireland, Ohio, Canada (eh), the REST of Germany, Norway, Saudi Arabia (our new World Order will need oil, LOTS of oil), the Gulf of Mexico (our new World Order will need oil, LOTS of oil), and the Bahamas.
To Lemons: the Netherlands.
To The BunnyButcher: Tokyo, New York City, Russia, Great Britain (except for the Skittles factory in Cambridge), and Alaska.
To The Whiskered Assassin: Japan (except for Tokyo) and Australia.
To The Obsidian Pearl: China, all the sushi manufactured outside of Japan, and Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber locked in a cage with Pedo_Bear.
To The Crimson Reaper: Pakistan, Texas (except for the Skittles factory), and the Hawaiian Islands.
To The Musician: South Africa.
To The Florescent Rabbit: Whatever's left over.
To TacoNinja: Willy Wonka's factory, Hogwarts, Jamaica, and Uganda.
To The Most EVILE Speeding Butterfly: A shared cage containing Lady Gaga and Ke$ha, Narnia, and Burundi.
All other nations, continents, regions, and cities are up for grabs, if your choice is alright with the others.
I shall also confiscate the world's entire supply of graphing calculators and graphing paper and use them to start a permanent incineration pyre in the giant landfill I'm going to build in Ohio.
Now that you know my scheme, here's a little about me.
When I was a small baby, I lived with a normal little family in a normal little town in a normal little countryside. Then one winter, only a few weeks before my second birthday, I was in the car with my parents and my older twin brother-and-sister when we slipped on a patch of ice. The car spun out, broke through the guardrail, and tumbled down a hill. By the time it stopped at the bottom, the roof had been crushed. The rest of my family was dead, but I was saved by my small size.
I sat in the carseat for several hours, loudly crying, until someone heard me. She was looking for food to feed a family of her own when she stumbled across the crash. When she crawled up into the mangled car and saw that I was still alive, she set to work trying to free me, her sharp little teeth chewing right through the restraints. Yes, that's right, she was a weasel.
In the process of setting me free, one of her teeth punctured my skin, imparting some of her weaselly DNA to me, giving me extreme cunning and intellect, as well as a sinister demeanor. After freeing me, she dragged me out of the wreck and to her warm, cozy burrow, where two other little baby weasels lived with her. After much debate, she decided not to let them eat me, and instead named me after her uncle, Theodore, who had been brutally murdered at the hands of the dreaded Pink Unicorn some days previously. To make matters worse, the Pink Unicorn then stole Uncle Teddy's identity, making life very difficult for Mama Weasel.
Mama Weasel raised me with her other young, patiently teaching me the way of the weasel, until one day I was simply too big for the burrow. With tears in their eyes, Mama Weasel and the other two little ones, Thiselda and Aaron, whom I had come to think of as my brother and sister, bid me farewell. Somehow, I'll never know how she managed it, Mama Weasel had enrolled me in a boarding school.
I didn't like the boarding school. The other children all made fun of me for my weasel-like mannerisms, so I would spend much of time sulking and promising to myself that I would have my revenge.
By the time high school rolled around, I had almost fully adjusted to the human world, and my cool cunning and quick wit made me rather popular. Occasional lapses back into weaselliness made me even more popular, but the old burrow and my weasel family was always at the back of my mind, accompanied by a deep longing. This deep longing for what I'd lost prevented me from developing any close friends throughout highschool. I spent those four years feeling alone and left out, despite being "popular."
I graduated highschool as valedictorian, my intelligence paying off, but when I went to give my speech, a terrible thing happened; I had a lapse back into weaselliness. It was one of the worst I'd ever had, and I sat curled up behind the podium for a full fifteen minutes, snuffling loudly and snapping at the staff when they attempted to remove me. The entire audience laughed at me, and when I realized what I'd done, I stormed from the stage, never to return to that place again.
I wandered for a few days in my cap and gown, until I found, lying in a muddy puddle, a pamphlet advertising "The Bad Horse University for the Advancement of EVILE Studies." I knew from that moment on exactly how I was going to achieve my revenge. After several days of preparation that involved sowing my cap and gown into a cloak and eyepatch (my own idea, I actually have both eyes), I set out for Bad Horse U. I finally arrived, battered and weary, and explained my story to them.
They must have seen a glimmer of EVILE inside of me even then, for they accepted me even without a tuition. I majored in EVILE Scheming, but I also took Minion Enforcement, Civilian Persuasion, Torture 101, and Hand-to-hand: How to Kick Your Nemesis' Butt.
I graduated after only two years with a doctorate in EVILE Scheming (which officially makes me a Doctor of EVILE ), and then proceeded to launch this plot you see before you. So far, I have come a long way in a little time, but the road to World Domination is still a long and arduous one. One day, though, it SHALL be mine! A mwahahahaHAHAHA!! BWAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
If you read all of that, give yourself a pat on the back.
Oh, and one last thing:
NIEY MECD SAWRT!