Being unable to make friends easily or having a small circle is not always a red flag, amirite?

Being unable to make friends easily is much more related to social skills and being a minority than being a good or bad person

by BriefOk184 1 week ago

It's also related to circumstance. Someone who lives in the same place all their lives will have a stronger social circle than someone who moves every few years. As to being a good or a bad person, my hot take is that it could be inversely correlated. Some of the worst people you meet are ostensibly 'popular'.

by bharber 1 week ago

Exactly! I don't see how anyone who has ever gone outside can believe otherwise.

by BriefOk184 1 week ago

From my experience, some of the most social and popular people make friends easily but don't seem to care about who the person really is. To them, friends seem replaceable as they care more about having people around to meet their social needs than about the individual themselves. And also the habit of being very nice to everyone (more than necessary) including the people they don't like and talk behind their backs after.

by StrikingIntention 1 week ago

Agreed. For me it's the health of someone's friendships that's the green or red flag, not the number. You can have lots of friends but if you're always at conflict with them then you're probably toxic AF.

by bharber 1 week ago

i've lived in the same place my whole life and i have 0 friends. explain that

by Ok_Professional 1 week ago

I mean it's probably fairly easy for you to explain. Very difficult for me to explain as I don't know you from Adam.

by bharber 1 week ago

Well even Adam just had a single friend, and he married her. Though he did famously move:P (Sorry)

by Sufficient-Winner662 1 week ago

I'm the same way. I've cut people off or left groups for things most people would probably just suck up as the price of being in a group. I always do my best to treat people with respect and dignity, and if someone sees it as a red flag that I expect to be treated the same accordingly, then I wouldn't want them in my life anyway.

by Ole35 1 week ago

Yeh, I find socially skilled people to be either overly obnoxious or an npc. Not all, just a lot of them seem like that. While quiet people are more self-aware.

by farrelljewell 1 week ago

Easy going and socially skilled are not antonyms. The most socially skilled people ARE easy going.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Makes more sense than before but I still challenge that socially skilled people are annoying. Loud and outgoing doesn't equal socially skilled. It's just the other side of the same insecure coin.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

being a minority I feel this very hard. If I am in an area with more people like me speaking the same language I make friends fairly easily despite beeing introverted

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Same. Not only am I a minority, I'm very mixed and racially ambiguous, so I don't fit into any cultural group, which I notice people tend to group themselves into.

by Ole35 1 week ago

A lot of it is opportunity. I've got about three friends I speak to regularly... I'm long out of school, work from home, and meeting people is not the easiest thing in the world. I've watched my similarly social son struggle as well because a lot of friends from high school moved and a lot of his university was online (no in-person classes the first 2 years.) I think the downside of having more flexibility to work remotely is that there is just less opportunity to talk to people and form bonds with anyone.

by Remarkable-Bowler 1 week ago

But for dating a lack of social skills will be a huge red flag. Since a relationship is really a social activity.

by Few-Definition884 1 week ago

Also, a person with less social skills would cherish the relationship way more and be way less likely to cheat

by fritzlabadie 1 week ago

Read psychological studies, there's literally not a strong connection

by BriefOk184 1 week ago

psychological studies don't always paint the full picture, as even when eliminating bias, there still is bias. but yes, it doesn't take a genius to know this. although "social" skills for many popular people is just "be as extroverted and agreeable as possible"

by Ok_Professional 1 week ago

What makes you decide to go against studies? How is yours 100% fact then? You don't want to feel bad about victim-blaming? What's the point of responding if you don't want to be open to changing your mind? Maybe you should be the one with no friends if you think that can be a red flag.

by BriefOk184 1 week ago

You do know about psychopaths and serial killers right? They're very charismatic so they usually have a lot of friends, that's where the line "he was such a nice guy" (or similar) comes from in all the documentaries So a lot of friends ≠ being a good person and vice versa

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I wouldn't frame having or not having friends as anyone's fault. Everyone has the right to have or not have friends, or to have only one friend - ideally, you should be friends with people because you want to, and because you like them, not because otherwise people might think you are weird. To me framing it as someone's (anyone's, the person's or "society's") fault would be a red flag though, because that implies someone doesn't have the right to not have friends just because they are a free human being. Now, it can be a "red flag" in the sense that if someone likes socialising with a lot of people and nurturing connections they might find they do not have much in common with someone who doesn't like it. That is a different matter. But would the person who doesn't like socialising with a lot of people really enjoy being friends or partners with someone who is their complete opposite? I don't think so.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Perhaps this sort of person is looking for someone who has a similar amount of free time & lack of friends, and is not happy with someone who isn't it - and, all in all, would rather be alone.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Sometimes they're like me, deliberately choosing not to have more than 1-3 people outside of family to keep relations intact with. It's alot of work having to juggle several friendships!

by StoryAdventurous 1 week ago

I can definitely accept it giving someone a little pause but an outright avoidance? That was a bit much to me

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

You just got unlucky, not all are like that, also how were they unhinged

by lbahringer 1 week ago

Unhinged in ways like being mentally/emotionally unstable, manipulative, stalking incessantly etc.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Yeah well not all are like that

by lbahringer 1 week ago

I don't think I've ever said that they all are

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Obviously not all are like that, but I can very much understand having caution, which is all they said they do. I have this one ND friend, we were the weird kids growing up and she's really nice so she picked up the habit of befriending other loners she meets. She's also the only person I know to have had multiple issues with stalkers and has had to deal with some absolutely insane behavior from these people. One dude she met at college and befriended, started stalking her and broke into her dorm after she rejected him and stole her clothes when she wasn't there. I think those people latch on to her because she's pretty small and nice, and she gives the benefit of the doubt too often. But she's a responsible person and she met those people at school and work, not anywhere weird or unsafe. Obviously obviously not all people with no friends are like that. But is a good idea to consider the reason why, there's lots of reasons it could be circumstances and bad luck, it could also be their own doing. Everyone has some red flags, but most don't indicate a problem until there's a group of them.

by Savannah06 1 week ago

Everyone's case is different, in my case it's not because I'm an asshole or a stalker but simply because people don't take the time to understand me

by lbahringer 1 week ago

Yup. I'm still learning this lesson to stay away from men without friends. A small circle is one thing, but 1 to 0 friends is the biggest red flag. These guys can't keep friends for a reason.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

You are generalizing because of a few bad experiences, thats not really smart of you

by lbahringer 1 week ago

I feel like this is a pretty safe generalization to make. I don't particularly like girls with no friends either, they're problematic in a different way. If several of my ex's had no friends, and they all turned out to be weird assholes, I'm not going to keep dating men who have no friends. Thats just me learning from my mistakes.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

But don't generalize and say every single one of them act that way, thats the same thing as hating all men just because you only dated the bad ones, it's not smart

by lbahringer 1 week ago

Those are two completely different things and you are just coping lol

by lbahringer 1 week ago

They're not. You're the one offended, and I really don't care, I'd never date you so move on

by Anonymous 1 week ago

You seem young. Lets talk again when youre 30-something.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I dont really care either. You'll learn eventually that generalising everyone around you is how you end up having no friends and then you can be your own red flag. But thats a you problem, not a me problem.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Most friendships are born out of convenience…from school, extracurriculars, work, etc. if you can't make friends from those situations it's extremely hard when you aren't put in situations where there's people to talk to/get to know.

by Sensitive_Spread 1 week ago

small circle is totally fine! but having zero friends IS a red flag to me. However, its only a dealbreaker when there are several red flags at the same time

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I don't think anyone thinks it's a red flag to have a small circle of friends. If anything, it's more of a red flag if you are a grown adult and have a massive high-school esque group of friends.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Exactly, someone that thinks that the adult version of "popularity" is important to have and cares about it is a red flag for me. At best they have their self esteem tied to how popular they are and how others see them and at worse they are very shallow and maybe even narcissistic to some extent.

by StrikingIntention 1 week ago

I think adults not having friends is a sad thing we've normalized. Everyones too overworked go have time for friendships which isn't healthy. I admire middle age and older people who still have weekly/monthly get togethers with their friends, itself sweet, I can tell they lived a rich life.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Totally agree. It is bad, all I mean is it's not taken as a character flaw.

by daviskirk 1 week ago

The type of friendship matters. My memory might be a little fuzzy but Aristotle lists three different kinds: Utility where it's what you can do for each other, something transactional. Pleasure where you have shared hobbies/activities and Virtue when you're friends because you like each other as they are, that you make each other better. To me, having a couple friends in the last category, good friends, are far more important than the first two categories. If the only friends someone has are acquaintances, people from Church/Sports/Work, etc and nothing deeper then that might be a red flag.

by Brilliant_Ad 1 week ago

I only want friends of the last variety personally which is why I have few. I'm not sure I'd call The first two friendships though. It's more in acquaintance territory

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

this day and age...yes not a red flag anymore.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It's actually a green flag for me

by Suspicious-Bill-9115 1 week ago

Honestly sometimes it is! I just don't make those types of judgements before getting to know someone

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

I don't trust people that have a lot of friends. They tend to be a lot of superficial relationships

by Suspicious-Bill-9115 1 week ago

I agree with this for the most part but I do know a few people that have been community oriented since very young and they just take those strong bonds into adulthood and beyond.

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

Hey, these people are not for me, romantically. I wouldn't trust their relationship with me is the priority. I'd have to be somebody that comes from a similar background

by Suspicious-Bill-9115 1 week ago

And that's okay. Values differ drastically depending on a lot of things so what you would consider a great friend would differ from someone else.

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

Nonsense. I am lucky enough to have many friends. I would say I am a part of several social circles. I have deep and meaningful friendships with a lot of people. Sure, there are also a lot of people in these circles who are closer to acquaintances than actual friends, but there are also many proper close friends.

by Automatic-Jaguar 1 week ago

There's also the introversion/extroversion factor. Introverts tend towards a few deep friendships. Extroverts tend towards making many acquaintances

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I agree with this, though I'd say I'm kinda in between. I just don't have the same values as people as I get a lot older so I prefer socializing in my circle rather than trying to branch out

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

Say it's almost the opposite It's typically more of a red flag if you're able to make friends easily because it typically means that you're basically faking who you are and putting on a show to please people I find it much more of a green flag when someone actually has just a few friends and it takes them some time to find and then develop those relationships because to me that indicates someone who actually just tries to be themselves someone who actually contemplates their friendships with someone before just wildly accepting and trusting them

by Beautiful-Grape-1489 1 week ago

Exactly! If you ask most people with a big friend group in their 30s they'd probably tell you they made their friends in their teens and twenties. We have those friends too we just don't live near them anymore. Moving also makes it harder. We have found the couples that have moved from the city to the burbs like us understand our situation more than people who have stayed the same place their whole lives.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Very true. I traveled with my husband while I had a travelling position for four of our five years of marriage. I dont think I tried to make friends in that time period though

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

I struggled to relate to people at times and I don't think the people I know/talk to doesn't try to understand me on a deep level

by Bitter-Anything 1 week ago

I try to be friendly and sociable but I make friends pretty slowly and some people come on way way too strong right out the gate. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. Now that I'm older I definitely have less tolerance for people that come across as way too friendly

by Maxime41 1 week ago

My sister is someone that hasn't been able to hold on to any friends - part of that is social anxiety, but the rest is her unrealistic set of standards for people in general. She thinks everyone is an asshole if they're not perfect human beings without flaws. It's made her into a bitter, angry woman that barely tries to make connections.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I'm fine with people considering it a red flag that I don't have a ton of friends. The folks who think like that probably don't have compatible personalities to get along with me, anyway. The feeling is likely mutual.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Personally, I don't care if people think I'm toxic in some way but I often wonder why it has such a negative image when so many things are in play when it comes to friendship. Maybe it's because people don't take that type of relationship seriously nowadays. I'm not sure

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

I agree with all of this! My biggest thing was not making a snap judgement one way or the other until you get more info

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

What's even counted as 'a small circle' for this? I don't think I even personally know anyone of my age that has more then like 5 close friends. I have four and the only reason I can even keep up with four is because one of them lives across the street from me, and another one works in the same company and we sometimes finish work at the same time.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I have three really good friends and honestly I keep up with them because they matter to me, no matter where they are.

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

I don't think you're wrong per se but effective communication can do wonders for friendship without putting too many expectations on it no matter who you are

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

I make friends too easily sometimes and just because I'll listen to you doesn't mean I actually care that much about Teen Wolf Season 2.

by Jodiehuels 1 week ago

Some women won't make friends with women who don't already have female friends. Some bs about being a pick me or whatever. My one friend died a few years ago so all my friends are just husband's male friends. I do get along with their wives and girlfriends, but all of them have small children so not a lot of time to hang out. I guess I'm just one of the guys then.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Not unpopular.

by farrelljewell 1 week ago

Yeah some of us hate a big circle of friends. In all my life I always have one friend at a time. I like a lot of "me" time and sometimes I disappear for days.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I just don't want a lot of people(who I possibly cannot trust). I'm happy with my small circle of really close friends.

by PeaTop 1 week ago

Unless you count internet 'friends, I've had zero friends in the last 20 years. Worked at home a long time, no work friends nearby therefore no friends. Had kids early, lost all single friends and had no time for friends anyway. Had kids early and worked, lost all potential stay at home mom friends and no time for friends anyway. Worked full time where everyone is remote also far away, no work friends, between job, house, pets, and older kids, no time for friends. It's just the way it is now, I'm use to it.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Also general attractiveness. A lot of attractive women make friends super easy. Ugly dudes like myself have to work at it hard.

by Noemi60 1 week ago

I agree. If anything it's the crowd people hang out with. Scum usually have scummy friends. There are times I feel like where good people and bad people end up friends, but it doesn't last for the most part. (Or one gets converted into the other.) Vice versa is always true, good people tend to surround themselves with people that have similar morals.

by Xpaucek 1 week ago

The thing people don't realize is it also plays into our workplace. Like for example when I was younger and worked entry level jobs I had tons of friends from work but now I WFH and my coworkers are mostly Middle Aged or elderly people who I never see or get to talk to. WFH is easier (only slightly) but sucks for a social life.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I agree, i definitely would rather have someone that chooses not to be friends with people than someone that can't make friends

by pietrozemlak 1 week ago

The challenge is determining whether someone sought/enjoys their solitude, or if it's because others have actively chosen to part ways.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I don't understand how people could have more than a small handful of friends anyway…unless their definition of friend is very loose. I have a ton of acquaintances in my life, but very few people I would genuinely call "friends."

by Agreeable-Homework11 1 week ago

People need to know the difference between a "friend" and an "acquaintance". I know far too many people who talk about all the people they know as "friends". Maybe it's just me, but I'm fairly particular about who I allow into my circle. If you want to be my friend, I have to know you well and trust you.

by AcrobaticDistance 1 week ago

As a kid I was socially isolated by controlling parents, and now I find any more than 1-2 consistent friends to be too exhausting. I did not learn the skills to keep an actual social circle.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

A small circle is actually better than a big one. But if you have zero friends, that's definitely a red flag.

by Wthiel 1 week ago

Nobody says a small circle is bad. NO circle is a flag.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I don't think you understand what red flags are. Only because something is a red flag, doesn't mean it's 100% bad. Like if someone hates animals then that's a red flag, but that doesn't mean that there can't be an explanation (maybe they got traumatized by an animal when they were younger or whatever). But it's still a red flag, despite the explanation. Not being able to make friends IS a red flag. But maybe there is an explanation (like the one you mentioned).

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I don't think that's a good example or explanation, but your key point is sound: a 'red flag' isn't necessarily something that's bad in itself, it's something that leads you to be wary because it's likely to be indicative of something else that is a problem.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

There is a massive difference between being actually mean (to animals, to certain groups of people, etc.) and just minding your own business without friends. Someone not liking animals and avoiding them because they are traumatised makes sense, someone going after animals and kicking them around for the heck of it is not a red flag but a very straightforward indication of sadism 🤔 Not the best comparison.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

That's a terrible example lol.

by bharber 1 week ago

Thanks man. Hope your day improves.

by bharber 1 week ago

There are exceptions to every rule… the connotation of a red flag is overwhelmingly negative and I don't agree with it in this case.

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

so what's the rule then in this case? And why is it a rule?

by Anonymous 1 week ago

No, I mean zero, friends is definitely a red flag.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I ageee

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

IMO, it's not about being a good or bad person. The red flag is that you don't have a lot of emotional support, so if we were in a relationship, that would fall 100% on me. I have been in that situation before. I cannot be the only source of support in someone's life. I don't have the bandwidth for that as it usually ends in some kind of codependency.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

it is a red flag until you know the reason why.

by AgreeableBug 1 week ago

I guess. My point is, I don't think anyone should be automatically assuming it is the persons fault without any facts

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

Lol!

by Anonymous 1 week ago

ok..

by AgreeableBug 1 week ago

Yea it's almost always a red flag. You just might not be aware of the red flags that come from not having a solid social life

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Respect your opinion but my personal experience does not agree with that. There are some awful people with a lot of friends

by SpecificWide 1 week ago

agreed. bad people always have enablers

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Same as mental health - it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Like I would never be with a girl who has severe mental issues, also wouldn't be with someone who has 0 friends, for various reasons, regardless of whose fault it is. In my anecdotal experience there IS always a reason ehy someone can't have friends, and that reason is a red flag, having 0 friends is a consequence. Inability to make a deeper connection, low social skills etc, inability to be loyal, inability to make a compromise if necessary... maybe it's not your fault you have low social skills, however I still dont want to be with someone with 0 people skills anyway It's not someones fault if he is 5'5, but majority of women woudn't be attracted to that guy and have an absolute right not to be

by Anonymous 1 week ago