If you feel obligated to propose, break up. It's unfair to blame the person being proposed to for "pressuring you", amirite?

I think you're right. Not just in this case but in a more general sense. When you're growing up and you can't leave your parents it's okay to lie and try your best to stay on their good side. When you're an adult and you can leave a relationship you have a responsibility to be honest, no one is forcing you to do anything unless there is abuse involved

by PairApprehensive 1 year ago

I mean, either you didn't realise he felt pressured or he's gas lighting you and trying to make this your fault. Either way, you're probably better off broken up, you don't sound like it was a healthy relationship. Hope you find what you're looking for!

by Hefty_Wait_9469 1 year ago

I had to trust he was being honest. I've talked to other women who've been through this and everyone said the same thing.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

I mean, I genuinely don't disagree with you. He sounds like a walking red flag if he is exaggerating or lying about feeling pressured. Just with only one side of the story and not so much information, I can only say it sounds like you're better off without him either way. There's such a weird stereotype that women are somehow demanding rings and babies from men and men are feeling out upon about it. I actually had to sit my own partner down and remind him I'm not actually interested in marriage myself when we were about a year into our relationship and he was a bit freaked out because someone else had suggested I might be expecting that. I wasn't and none of this came from me.

by Hefty_Wait_9469 1 year ago

I couldn't agree with you more! I was with my partner for 10 years (!) before he finally decided to be honest with me that he would never propose. I communicated my needs to him clearly and regularly from the very beginning of our relationship. He never communicated any opposition to what I wanted. In fact, he was a master at dangling that shiny carrot in front of me to keep me from leaving. Finally, I had had enough and began scaling back my efforts in the relationship. He expected wife work for girlfriend wages. That just didn't work for me anymore, and again, I clearly communicated what I would be doing and why. He threw a fit. Called me all sorts of names. He did everything except decide to take accountability for his fear of commitment. He stole the best years of my life because it was easier for him to lie to my face so he could be comfortable. This kind of behavior is unacceptable. The person wanting marriage should not be blamed for wanting to continue the relationship. It makes no logical sense that the person who wants to take things to the next level also bears the responsibility for ending a relationship that they clearly want to stay in while the other person gets to hide behind lame excuses for their wishy-washy behavior so they don't look like the "bad guy."

by No-University-1242 1 year ago

he was a master at dangling that shiny carrot in front of me to keep me from leaving. I was gonna say,…… OP is right, but expecting honesty from "honest conversations" with that type of guy isn't going to happen. They lie because, as you said, they don't want to give up the free sex.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

Free sex, dual income household, cooking, housekeeping, social secretary, pet care, grocery shopping, ect...

by No-University-1242 1 year ago

✅✅✅✅✅✅✅

by Anonymous 1 year ago

3 years is a long time in your late 20s. Most people know if they want to marry you or not at that point. I'm sorry that is messed up.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

Perhaps communicate before breaking things off first. Your entire situation could have been avoided if you two simply talked to one another. Communicated your feelings to each other, listened to each other, and talked about where to go from there.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

The point is that he should have communicated instead of breaking things off. Again, this could have all been avoided if you two talked, including him.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

Totally agree! Had he been honest, we wouldn't be out $25k 😂

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

No one pressured him I totally get feeling pressured but Well, the beginning doesn't seem to match the end.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

I didn't pressure him vs him feeling internalized pressure Those are not the same concept.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

If you say so.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

If you don't understand the difference, that's a little concerning.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

It doesn't matter the full story to understand the difference between the two 😂

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

Correct. But it DOES take the full story to know if you "didn't" pressure him or not.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

I did not pressure him. I communicated that I was ready and if he wasn't to please let me know. That's not pressuring him. If he felt internalized pressure, that makes sense but regardless I didn't. I can know I didn't pressure him but acknowledge he may have internalized pressure. The two are not the same concept.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

If you say so. Impossible to know with only one side of the story.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

I'm smelling an unreliable narrator with a lack of personal accountability..

by Infinite-Access 1 year ago

conversely, if you aren't getting the proposal you are expecting after a conversation about your future, you need to break up with that person. don't want for them and the shut up ring.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

Agreed! That's why I was open and was hoping we could have that honest conversation.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

It wasn't about commitment. I wanted marriage and kids. If that's not what he wanted then he should have been honest. When he left, he told me he didn't know if he wanted any of it.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

He didn't know if he wanted any of it? That's different from knowing he didn't and stringing you along.

by ImpressionCivil 1 year ago

He told me for 3 years he wanted marriage and kids. It's the only reason I stuck around like I did. When he broke things off, he told me I pressured him and he didn't know what he wanted. Did he knowingly string me alone for 3 years? I'm not sure. Did he string me along for the last year? I'm going with yes.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

I'm sorry you had to go through it, either way.

by ImpressionCivil 1 year ago

Yes, unless the "obligation" feeling can be dissolved through communication.

by ImpressionCivil 1 year ago

Sorry that happened. He was not ready to be alone just yet and gave you a shut up ring, I guess. To even plan the wedding is another level of cruel.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

First time my now wife pressured me…I told her I was not ready. There were milestones I wanted her and me to reach. Luckily she agreed. I took 9 years of dating. We have now been married for 15 years. Glad she believed in me.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

The point is you communicated you were not ready. Waiting would have caused resentment for me. There is no one right except for communication

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

The "out" you gave him was to break up?!? That's not an out that's an ultimatum. You pressured him into it

by Away-Cut5548 1 year ago

That's not an ultimatum. That's called being mature. I was always upfront I wanted marriage and kids. If he wasn't ready after 3 years and I was, he should have spoken up just like I did. Two people could live each other and not be compatible. I also didn't say "marry me or break up". Take some accountability and be okay being single. It wasn't fair for him to ask me to keep waiting for something he may have never wanted. Let's grow up.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

She's not obligated to be an eternal lay-a-way anymore than he's obligated to get married. If you're incompatible you're supposed to break up.

by OtherwiseGrade6813 1 year ago

I mean, if one person wants marriage and the other person doesn't, what other 'out' is there? If the 'out' is that the relationship just stays the same, what does the person who wants to take it to a different level gain?

by Anonymous 1 year ago

It's not an ultimatum, it's irreconcilable incompatibility.

by Anonymous 1 year ago

1 in 5 engagements get called off. I've actually connected to a lot of women who've been also blamed for it. It's personal but also seems to be a common occurrence.

by Jonesaugustine 1 year ago

Well of course you were blamed, you can't win as the woman in these situations.

by Traviswalter 1 year ago