Not when you believe no one goes to heaven.
Nah, bro, I'm talking about some serious shit. He sent it from his new iPhone and everything. See, I know Heaven is totally legit because normally he only had a shitty Samsung, but since he was real good and all Jesus was like "Bro, I'mma buy you a motherfucking iPhone."
The sad part of this is that YeahIAm is the only one making sense with his lovely stories of Jesus and friends.
Bitch, he didn't just make it appear, although that would be some pretty hardcore shit. He went over to WalMart with his 10% off coupon and tried to buy the iPhone. But it turned out his coupon had expired and he got super pissed and was all like "Bitch, I'm motherfucking Jesus. I'm not gonna pay the full damn price." But then the cashier was all like "Dude, you look frickin' homeless. You ain't Jesus." But then Jesus did some magical shit where he turned his water bottle he brought so he wouldn't get tired on the walk to the store into a bottle of wine, and the cashier was all like "Damn bro, I guess you are Jesus." And then she gave him the iPhone for free!
Well, obviously, I meant that you go shopping with and stuff.
I have to say though, Jesus seems more like a Target man.
@Anonymous - Yeah dude, I just got a text from my bro who's up in the heaven. He says he's just chillin' with Jesus and shit... Seems legit.
Jesus can do whatever he wants, Anon. He's Jesus. If he wants to give YeahIAm's bro an iPhone then he can. Ain't no one gon' say anything.
Obviously, as all of us living people would know.
Do you realize how biggoted you sound? That's like me saying "this is why i can't have religious friends because they're all as dumb as you"
Are you being SARCASTIC?
So you know where Jesus shops now? What, is he too good for Walmart?
Bitch, you think you know how Jesus talks? That bro of mine knows how to adapt to the times.
If I wasn't convinced you were a troll before...
Also, people tend to regard me as one of the most sarcastic people they've ever met and I enjoy me some Jesus. Just sayin'.
I love Jesus and I found that to be a great story. Plus, how is it making fun of him? If anything, it's showing what a great guy he is, I'm just sayin'.
Yeah don't go bullying Jesus, wow.
Oh, so YOU'RE too good for Walmart. I SEE HOW IT IS.
You're right, I'm sorry. After doing some hardcore internet research, I've learned some pretty devastating news that's gonna affect where I shop from now on. It seems that in January, when Jesus was on his weekly shopping routine, the local WalMart had some "lowest prices in town" guarantee. So Jesus was all like "Fuck yeah!" and set out shopping. But then he saw the Xbox he was buying for his bro Peter was like $500. So he went up to the manager and was like "Bitch, this shit was only like $400 at Target. What the fuck is up?" And then the manager made some lazy-ass excuse that Target could sell things at lower prices because they sent all their jobs over to China and if he wanted to support America he should shop at Walmart. But then Jesus was all like "Bitch, I don't give a damn about who gets the jobs, I just want cheap shit. Besides, what about the motherfucking guarantee?" And every since, he's been shopping at Target.
It seems I've wasted all of my stories of Jesus and friends on a troll.
Oh, I'm sorry, is Jesus one of your friends that you hang out with on a regular basis?
Are YOU being sarcastic?
Ah, like continue to allow all the wars, racism, and poverty (just to name a few) to exist in this world?
What are you talking about? Why would I make fun of my bro Jesus?
Bitch, I just hung out with him on Friday and we watched Inception together. The whole time he was just like "What the fuck is going on? Damn it, bro, I don't get this movie! MINDFUCK! MINDFUCK!" Then we got totally wasted off his premium wine water and he started ballin' and telling me about this one bitch of his, Mary, that dumped him for some asswipe from Nigeria.
Just become friends with somebody named Jesus and write down everything he does. Then you can write a book called Jesus and Friend and the cover picture can be a Mexican guy with a Jesus-beard.
Friend: "I just can't believe she dumped me..."
Me: "That reminds me of this one time when Jesus was shopping at Walmart..."
Jesus is always wish me when I shop.
Well seeing as heaven doesn't exist imo, I can't really answer that question.
Well it's been fun. I lack a talent for this so don't expect me back, but you tell kickass stories so I give you my applause. On that note I'm going to bed. Have a nice night friends.
Hey man, I recommend just spreading them around the office, schoolyard, wherever. Even if the conversation isn't religious. Because I mean, everyone loves a good story involving deitys and Walmart.
So, a PASTOR doesn't respect Jesus? Somebody that SPREADS THE WORD OF GOD FOR A LIVING?
"Dude, holy shit, look at my new iPhone."
"Speaking of 'holy' and 'iPhones'..."
No koala. Yeahiam thought you were a troll earlier and trolled you back. This makes you a cannibal troll.
"Hey man, we should do something tonight."
"Oh yeah, we should rent a movie. Like inception! Ah man, last time I watched that..."
You just called a pastor an idiot. That's pretty bad.
DAMN IT GUYS MY COVERS BEEN BLOWN.
YeahIAm was trolling the anon. Anon seemed kinda serious.
This is the greatest thread ever.
Ok now that's definitely the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Jesus doesn't watch movies especially ones with sinning in them. You lose.
Oh damn I didn't see that part. That was kind of lame trolling though since they were trolling each other...
Nothing like some good old double sided trolling.
yes, He is a friend! Jesus has and always will be my best friend and my holy Father.
And Jesus doesn't need to shop at Walmart or otherwise.
Well yeah, Walmart probably gives off diseases and stuff. It's gross. But that's like not relevant at all
Well Koala was going Anon trolling, and she accidentally didn't go Anon as seen a few posts above. And that just means the trolling was at least somewhat successful :p
Well not at the very beginning... But it was still entertaining to read :p
He knows that people in poverty and war would rather be in Heaven than in that situation. Like, wouldn't you?
Also, my pastor has told stories like this. Is somebody that lives and breathes the word of God disrespecting Jesus?
I dont care I respect Jesus to much to respect your if he does that. this is not a joking matter
Oh poor little anon. You don't belong on this website do you..? You actually don't belong on the internet period.
@Giggity: You realize this is a TROLL IN THE DUNGEON, right?
Took me a second to understand once I read about it, but I get what you're saying now.
Well most of them do just probs not yours, sorry
How is it not disrespectful? Yeahiam is clearly being sarcastic (PROBABLY CAUSE HES AN ATHEIST DICK LIKE I SAID) and Jesus doesn't just go to Walmart :/
I feel like that's pretty much what I meant, but with way cooler wording.
Jesus has better things to do than make phones appear...
Search troll on knowyourmeme and you'll learn all about cannibal trolls.
Its in the bible...?
Um, you do realize people go to heaven all the time, right?
Are you BEING sarcastic?
Jesus doesn't even talk like that, what's wrong with you
JESUS IS NOT YOUR BRO AN MAYBE IF YOU TALKED TO HIM A LITTLE MORE YOU WOULD NOT THAT.
Your pastor is probably trying so hard to seem cool & relatable to the kids that he's risking eternal damnation. Congratulations, your pastors an idiot.
That's really disrespectful. Just because you don't like Jesus doesn't mean you're allowed to tell stupid stories making fun of Him
Are you being sarcastic?
And this is why I can't have atheist friends. Sorry, but y'all are so sarcastic like allll the time.
Its not being bigoted it's just from personal experience! All the Christians I know are like really nice and want the best for everyone, and all the atheists are meet are just sarcastic dicks who don't take anything seriously.
Heaven is supposed to be great for each and every person there, so if somebody who really loves their dog didn't have it there, it would not be heaven. But, hey. I guess it's what you believe and what you don't. :/
A movie told me that All Dogs Go to Heaven...
Me too. I watched it the other day with some friends. It... it wasn't the same as when I was four.
I used to love that movie!
OUR DOGS WILL GO TO HEAVEN!
A lot of people believe dogs go rainbow bridge. Its a place where they wait until their owners arrive and then they cross the bridge into heaven
the topics: pets and equal rights
This, to me, is evident of how much the users on this site just need to loosen the fuck up and chill the fuck out. Crack a bottle and light a spliff. Whatever you need to do, just make sure it opens your eyes and makes you realise that your existence is not subject to a religious (or, as I would have it, opinionated) debate on some goddamn website with who-knows-whom.
Kruger, this is one of my favourite comments ever!
Dogs go to heaven; Bitches go to Hell
It's easy to see heaven in general as wish-fulfillment. But that doesn't mean it isn't true. There could be a heaven, but who can know for sure? Same goes for God (I don't think there could be one without the other). Also, most secular ideas of heaven have very little grounding in any religious tradition.
well if you're christian, all you need is God. he does say to let go of worldy things.
everything here is worldy...because this is the world..?
Um, did you look at the comments before writing that?
Only the first comment of that had been posted when this was.
Actually I posted this before the big religious debate started