You're an alcoholic if you drink so much that it affects your well being, but you have a drinking problem if it affects the people around you. amirite?

True

Alcohol in you lose your brain, when you get back your brain the people around you lose their brains

One time, I left skidmarks on my wife's belly

You have a drinking problem when you're doing your best to live a normal life, while hiding the fact that you need alcohol to survive; you're an alcoholic when you've given up all pretense at normality, and you do whatever it is that the Alcohol Gods tell you to do, without question, not giving a shit who cares...