Things that are very light fall quite slowly, and yet things that are very heavy fall slowly as well. amirite?

not if you're the one falling??

Its because gravity is a constant. Based on the size of earth. The only thing that makes much of a difference is air resistance.

I'm gonna need some context here.

matters what it is

If I remember correctly, objects fall at the same rate due to equal gravity. A tennis ball and bowling ball dropped at the same time would also hit the ground at the same time