Being "alone together" is awful, amirite?

I think "alone together" represents a unique kind of intimacy where you and another person can enjoy your individual space and activities while still sharing a companionship But that's an acquired taste Not everyone gets it.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

My wife and I can spend an entire weekend doing separate tasks and leisure activities and be just fine.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I totally agree this is a good thing, a great example for OP. My take is: The *presence* of a person can be beneficial. If that person is supportive or if there is at least a neutral environment, that can be more supportive than total isolation and no human contact whatsoever.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I'm totally for that. Just not in the same room.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I know what you mean and I think it's pretty good, -in small doses tho-. Otherwise it gets weirdly draining. If you're someone I like and like I'm close to you, let's be active together and play off of each other and truly share energy. When I do want to be alone, it's less bc I'm feeling tired and need a retreat from certain people, and more bc I want to indulge in the positive aspects of it, which is like let me go *alllll* the way off the grid and maximize that.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Yes! It's like. When I want to be alone I want to rest from human interaction, yes, but I also want to be absolutely and completely free, or focused, or something that comes with solitude, and you just don't get that with other people around, even if you love them.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I disagree, my girlfriend doesn't really count as other human interaction, I am all of those things you list around her.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Well, I just can't. For me a human being around me is a human being around me, even if it's the closest person in the world to me.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Exactly!! I'm getting the feeling that this is indeed an unpopular opinion. ig most people like a "nice in between" which is totally fair. But for me just being in a quiet environment with doesn't cut it, even if I love them it often feels kinda terrible ngl. Being truly *alone* especially in nature is like it's a serenity but also like a focus or a power and it feels really fing good. What's funny tho is that I'm actually on the opposite side of the spectrum as you, I'm pretty extroverted.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

You can only be alone together with a very very few select ppl. For most it's more like parallel play. Where you are each doing your own thing but enjoying their company. Alone together is I can do whatever I want. If I get up to go to the kitchen I'm not asking if they want something.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

That's not alone though. It's just having one-on-one time with someone else.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I can rationally (kinda) see the appeal, but in reality? It drives me absolutely insane

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Bro, you're debating semantics here, your point is useless in the sense you're focusing on the semantics of "alone". It just means sharing a space with someone while not necessarily doing activities together, figuratively "alone" but not really because you have the comfort that a special person is next to you. You don't like it that's fine, that's normal for a lot of people, but it's dumb debating what "alone" actually means to criticize the act itself.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I love occasionally doing this with my husband. Just feeling his presence, and seeing him do a hobby that he likes to do makes me happy. It's also easier to do that than have to constantly form up with things to do together 24/7. We have our at home hobbies, and it's nice to be in the same home together.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

My husband and I do this. A lot actually. It's very comforting knowing he's home and me to him as well, but it's also just nice because if something happens or I wanna show him something he's right there. When he's not there, I turn to tell him something and it just hurts my soul a little bit. I love our days off. We rarely leave the house to save money and hang out doing different things. I tend to study or rewatch a show while he looks up different MTG cards or whatever he does lol. We do like our "me" time but we love having each other close by

by Anonymous 7 months ago

This is a fair response. I think I can get it - I think there this orbit that happens where two people are able to be alone together, come together for an interaction, and then continue in their orbit. I'm sure it's a delicate balance that requires an intuitive understanding of ones partner

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Yeah it takes years and a strong foundation.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Exactly this. Sometimes, being in the same room with the one I love, without doing anything, just lying down or doing tasks separately, staring at our phones or whatever, or just chilling and talking without anything festive or fancy going on, feels much better than many hangouts or parties with others.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Studies show that couples inhabiting the same space, even while doing different activities, release low levels of serotonin, dopamine, and other chemicals in the brain. It literally feels good to be around each other, even while doing something completely different.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Well, I guess I'm built differently then lol. For me it does the furthest thing possible from releasing "good chemicals". It stresses me out and leaves me unfocused and trying to find a way to leave.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

No you're just anxious and are choosing to let that define your personality instead of seeing if it's worth working through.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

The issue here is you can't be around people without finding it tiring. Some people, sure. But anybody?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Can't be around people without being tiring? Isn't that what an introvert is?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Not everybody

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Honestly, I think we all need alone time to varying degrees. And even if you need little, you need some. And I also think alone means alone. If someone is there, even if I love them, I know they're there. I can't not consider the fact they're there. And that is tiring.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

It doesnt sound like you actually feel comfortable with that person then. Would you also feel uncomfortable if you had a pet who was sleeping nearby? Or if you were in a call and muted? Alone can also be different things. You can be in a huge crowd and still feel alone or lonely because theres no proper connection to those around you.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Sounds like this is more so the case

by Anonymous 7 months ago

When you have been married for a while, alone together makes perfect sense. My husband and I have that kind of relationship where we can just cuddle up and enjoy being in the same space while reading or doing our own thing. It's a great way to unwind at the end of the day and still have a sense of togetherness.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

But the sense of togetherness is exactly what ruins it for me, tbh. If I'm doing something alone, the last thing I want is to feel "together", you know?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Then it sounds like you should stay single.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

That's the plan 🫶🏻

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Sounds like you've never been in a really long relationships

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I've been living with the same people for 20+ years. I've had some friendships for 15+ years without either of us ever moving cities / countries etc, meaning always in contact. It still feels the exact same. If any of those people are in my space, I don't feel alone.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Living with the same people for 20+ years - please elaborate. Did you live with them under one roof or you mean one city?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Under the same roof.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Do you mean your parents and siblings?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Yes (parents, I'm an only child) but also someone who is neither (it's like a family member, but not by blood. It's a very complicated situation to explain - just know that this person is the closest I've ever got to enjoying being "alone together" with someone, as she is quite literally my best friend). I've also done an exchange program and lived for a while with colleagues from said exchange.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Yah family isn't the same as someone that you've been romantically intimate with. It's a totally different level of comfort. Eta. The comfort that makes alone together feel nice

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I absolutely disagree with that, even because as an aromantic person I reject the notion that romantic relationships are above close platonic relationships of familial or friendship love.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

My closeness with my daughter is not comparative to my closeness with my husband. I love her more than life its self but there are things I do with and talk about with my husband that I would never share with my daughter.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

So what you are saying is that you wouldn't be "alone together" with your daughter, then?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I think you're confusing two concepts. This isn't about romantic relationships being above platonic relationships, but about them being different. Surely you'd agree that romantic and platonic relationships are different in nature, and are not the same? That said, I can enjoy "alone together" with my best friend as well as with my partner. It's a very rare thing for me and they're really the only two people I've ever known that tick that box. I was in my mid-20s before I met either of them. Before that, I would have said what you're saying - you're either alone or you're actively doing something with other people. But I think this is a result of you still living with your family, and having to constantly manage the presence of people you didn't choose. I think it's likely your view on this will adjust as you get older, live alone and then perhaps with someone else who you did choose. Experience is the only teacher when it comes to such a directly personal thing.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

They're not above but they're different. I don't think it's impossible to be alone together with family/friends but I don't think I've experienced it and it's probably quite difficult. If you are able to do basically anything while your partner is there and not feel like they're judging you then you basically won't need any alone time.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I didn't say above. I said different.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Wanting alone together while being aromantic is like not liking Italian food and complaining that Olive Gardens food sucks. Well yah it's not really meant for plutonic relationships.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Parallel play is very normal , which is the proper term for it, you are taking the alone bit too literal

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Well, whatever the name to it is, I find it awful.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

The Book - The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, The Horse, "doing nothing with friends isn't never doing nothing, is it?"

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Exactly. Like, if another person is there, another person is there. There's no getting around it. You're not *really* alone.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Tell me you don't know what it's like to be on the spectrum without telling me 🤣

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I have exactly one person with whom I can be "alone together" - as in I can enjoy alone time even with them being there because I don't have to change my behavior even in the slightest. That's only possible with people you are extremely comfortable and close with. Like being completely on one wavelength. With other people it doesn't feel like being "alone together" but like socializing instead, even if none of us talk.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I can relate. My social battery isn't really high. I'm an extroverted person and enjoy being with people. But if I'm not socially interacting or there is no actual conversation being made, I don't really want to spend my alone time around anyone. It's kinda like my decompressing time. My fiance and I live in the same house , maybe we've been together so long but unless it's bedtime we don't really hangout in the same room doing absolutely nothing or looking at our phone silently. He would go in another room and game or I would listen to music or something. It's just pointless.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Pov: introvert life I completely agree. Humans are so draining. I like a good book and a cup of tea.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

When my girlfriend and I are "alone together," we are in separate rooms doing our own thing. I like to play guitar or video games, and she likes making things or reading. We understand we each need our space to coexist.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Yes! Being alone "together" in the house is great. In the same room, it's torture.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Torture she says.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Omg you're literally killing me by sitting there quietly looking at your phone!

by Anonymous 7 months ago

That's what it feels like, sometimes. My mind will immediately go "Oh, they're coming here to get someth… oh. Oh, they're planning to stay. For how long? Will that be quick? No, they're sitting down. No. No, no, now it's ruined. How long will they stay? What time is it? Ok, it's 16:23, so maybe I can leave when it's 16:35 and enough time will have passed that they don't think it had anything to do with them. Why did they have to sit here? WHY. The rest of the house is available. Why here? Can't they see I'm already here? Would it be rude if I went away? Would they realise it was because of them? Or am I overthinking it and if I get up and leave they won't even notice?" And there, I am now upset, anxious and completely unfocused on whatever I was doing, and probably planning on how to relocate to somewhere else that is less optimal then the original place i was in to do whatever I was doing.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I mean for a friend I suppose, but that's the deal when you live with someone, especially a partner.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Not necessarily? I could 100% live with someone without doing that for the most part. Either being intentionally together or each in their separate room.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I find I have a mood for it. Sometimes I want to be social. Sometimes I want to be alone. And sometimes "alone together" sounds nice. (The other name, Parallel Play, makes much more sense for me.) Like, reading a book, or doing research, or putting a puzzle together, or cooking... I enjoy these as activities that I prefer doing with people around. It's almost harder for me to do alone because I'll get distracted by inanimate stuff way more than other (quiet, "alone") people.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Honestly the idea of just being quiet and occupying a space together without feeling the need or compel to impress the existing presence is really nice to me.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

If you've been with the same person for decades then having them present can be more relaxing, more comforting, than not having them around.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

OP is Asexual everyone. Just putting that context out there cause his explains their whole perspective.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Not asexual, just an introvert. My social battery runs out fast and I agree w her

by Anonymous 7 months ago

How? Honest question. How do you think my asexuality explains this? I'm not even talking about romantic relationships specifically (and asexual people have romantic relationships all the time. I'm just one of the ones who is also aro, and therefore uninterested in that). My point still applies to friends, family, etc.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

There have only been a few people in my life where that can be pleasant, but I've really valued it when it has. I don't really have anyone now that I can be that way with, though. Thankfully I live alone, so that is not an issue.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I feel comfortable in such situations, mainly as the world in which I have been introduced to, I just really am not keen on the attitude of most people here. Not that they are negative or rude, they are positive, just not what I feel comfortable. I am not a fan of talking to people. I feel even more comfortable and happy alone, which is ironic as we are social animals.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Those are 2 different things that satisfy different needs. Just because it has "alone" in the label, does not mean its supposed to work the same way as you being alone. Its not supposed to.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Oh you have some learning/ experiencing to do You can be with people and interact, you can be with people and do your own things, you can be alone, those are 3 completely different things, if you think 2 are the same then you have a problem

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I'm with you. If there's someone else here, I'm def not alone.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Right? You can't really forget the other person is there.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

"alone together" isn't just with anyone. It's with someone you just comfortable with and don't need much to enjoy spending time together. It's just being in each other's company that makes you happy.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I don't think this has ever happened to me. If I enjoy your company, that is because I enjoy your conversation - listening what you have to say, catching up, etc. None of that happens when we're alone together. Which is fine, because I'm not looking to be around people all the time - I'm actually quite the introvert and find the whole thing draining -, but then, if we're not going to be interacting, then I want to use that time to be alone, which is also something I deeply enjoy. I don't know. I just don't understand finding enjoyment in the physical presence of someone without any interaction. I take my pleasure from talking to people I like, or from being alone. Not an in-between.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

My uncle and cousins family is like this. They all just exist in their own room and never eat together. Compared to my family where we we ate every meal together, had one TV, and one computer, it was pretty staggering. My family are so much closer as a result. I don't really understand the point of having a family if everyone is just doing their own thing all the time.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Here's the thing: I like having meals together, watching TV together, etc, etc. I'm also from a household with only one TV, and where nobody ate in their rooms, meals in common areas only. But that's not being "alone together". That's being together. My point is not that being around people is bad (though if it gets too much, I do indeed think it is bad). My point is that being in the same space while doing separate things and not interacting is bad, because it makes no sense. If you want to be together, that will surely not be enough and will leave you wanting. If you want to be alone, that will also not be enough solitude, and will not accomplish whatever being alone should be accomplishing for you (rest, focus, etc). It's just a mediocre in between that serves for nothing.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Oh yea, I can agree to that. Id way rather be alone than have some other person just existing in my presence.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I agree. Me and my friend would always get annoyed with our friend group when they would hang out forever without any goal. We'd be like wtf are we even doing, why can't you people be alone??? lets go home

by Anonymous 7 months ago

You're just shy and inexperienced and you're trying to turn it into an identity, probably after finding living at home with your parents to be quite exhausting. Relax. Don't take yourself so seriously. Don't be so rigid. One day you'll very likely find someone who doesn't make you feel this way, and you don't want to mess it up because you've clung to this adolescent I'm-such-a-loner thing. Just let it go and be a regular human being like the rest of us.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I'm not a shy person at all. Not even when I was a teen - I was the kind to be class president, make all the speeches, lead all the projects, take our concerns to the principal when we had them, probably annoying as hell too. Nowadays I'm a teacher. I have mastered small-talk to a T, and I'm very good at entertaining people that I don't know. My problem is not being shy or inexperienced, my problem is that I feel drained when I'm doing something that is supposed to be lonely and someone else it's around. It feels like throwing time out of the window - I'm not enjoying my alone time, and the other person probably doesn't count that as "together" time and will expect more actual "together" time later, which will make me more miserable as my alone time was interrupted. It just sucks.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

wanting to be alone is not being shy.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

lol it's draining… you just sound like a loser

by Anonymous 7 months ago

How?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

If we live together and share a space I see no problem here. If we dont…then yea, I dont get it either. Its like playing library with your friends. Had a friend group for years like that. Not my thing.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

For me, even with a shared space it gets too much. I live with people I absolutely love, but either we're actually doing something together, or I think we should all be in our spaces (or at least in separate spaces) for the most part. I don't see the point in being in the same space when everyone is doing something alone.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I wouldnt actively avoid it though? Its more a byproduct of sharing space then a goal or activity If I need quiet or focus I go find my own space.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I am the opposite. My default is being alone and seeking people when I need company, not being around others and seeking solitude when I need to be alone. Idk.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Yea Im not sure were talking about the same thing. I think thats most peoples default unless they share a room. Like, my office is solitary. My room is solitary. I spend most of my time there. My home is not. Its a shared space. I like the seat and lighting in the living room. If I want that seat I have to share the space. Im not seeking out or avoiding people. The other people are irrelevant…unless noisy. Unless you actively avoid being around other people regardless of all other factors…then you just like being alone as a default.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Some people thrive on that. That's just who they are. I don't at all. I'd hate it. But people are all different.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Sounds like you need a bigger living space maybe?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Oh, I have a pretty big living space. The thing is people like to be in the same room even if there are others completely empty available, and it drives me mad

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I feel like it's a love language kind of thing. Like quality time. We aren't doing anything, but we're together and close. I also think about parallel play.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

This is one of the reasons I broke up with my ex

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Because you agree with me and they didn't, or because they agreed with me and you didn't?

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Tell me you want to masturbate without telling me you want to masturbate.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I'm asexual, so nope :)

by Anonymous 7 months ago

As someone who's had to be alone with 2 other people in a small hotel room on multiple occasions( i. e. my mom and sister, yes, it is indeed awful

by Anonymous 7 months ago

That's why it's labeled "alone *together*"

by Anonymous 7 months ago

It's not awful. Even if each of you is doing their own thing there is still a connection. You can look over at them and remember a nice event or something. Being "with" someone who makes you feel bad or alone is awful.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

But that's the point - there is still a connection. And *that* is what I hate. If I'm doing an individual activity, I *want* to feel alone. If I wanted to be around someone, I'd be doing something with them.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I need a lot alone time. And being alone together is a nice compromise if i have to share a hotel room with someone. Its not the same as being alone but I also don't have to interact with someone else

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I definitely get what you're saying, and I agree, but not entirely. It 100% is just as exhausting as not being alone. Except, for me, my SO is an exception to that most of the time. There are definitely situations where I want more flat-out alone time, but for the most part he just doesn't really drain my social battery. I'm not recharging, but I'm not depleting either. It's nice.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

You sound neglected

by Anonymous 7 months ago

On the contrary. I'm not claiming for attention 24/7, I'm claiming that when I want to be alone, I *actually* want to be alone and with no people around.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Oh you'll be alone with this mindset no worries

by Anonymous 7 months ago

That's the idea 🫶🏻

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I understand why you feel how you do, but I suspect it comes from never having done it "properly" with the right person. The exhaustion comes from the expectations associated with social activity/presence. The catch with being alone together is that it ***only*** works when there isn't that expectation. Once you're so comfortable with the other's presence that you don't feel like you *need* to behave a certain way to make the situation enjoyable for them, then you can really enjoy what this means. Coming from someone with a low tolerance for traditional social activity, I don't think I could have friends or relationships if I couldn't have "together alone" time with many of them.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I don't understand how some people can be so stressed by other people.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Other people around can easily be draining and limit freedom. That's what stresses me.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

This is most often common in long-term relationships that live together. You're so used to them that you can be alone together. At night my girlfriend knits and I read. It's very nice.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

That just sounds like....people engaging in separate activities who live together? If I'm reading and my kids are coloring and my husband is cooking, are we "alone together"? 🤔

by Anonymous 7 months ago

"Alone together" would be that if you're all in the same room. Like, you're reading, your child is colouring and your husband is cooking all in the kitchen, then yes, that's alone together. Engaging in separate activities in separate spaces while living together (you're reading on your room, your husband's cooking in the kitchen, your child is colouring in their room) is just alone.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

People who want to be "alone together," don't want to be alone, they want to be together. They have something they're working on by themselves, but they want to have someone there. I do this with my spouse when we want to be together but have our own stuff going on. Of course if you want to be alone you want to be alone. When I want to be alone, I don't want anyone else there. That's not what being "alone together" is for.

by Anonymous 7 months ago

Whenever she want's to read a book I banish her to the bedroom. The couch is for active tv watching, none of this mamby pamby "just being around someone makes you happy because you love them" stuff

by Anonymous 7 months ago

I'm a huge fan of parallel play. If my partner wanted to sit and play video games, I would love to sit near him on the couch and read my book. I get to spend time with someone physically present while enjoying a solitary activity. I get to be alone without feeling lonely.

by Anonymous 7 months ago