Dating Apps Aren't The Problem, amirite?

I think the real problem is that the apps are financially incentivized to make things as hard as possible to keep you single and on the app. And to frustrate you into paying for premium services. Societally, the issue is that the experience is so vastly different depending on your gender and general level of attractiveness that most people can't even comprehend the issues people in the other groups are having. Like "churn through so many dates so quickly"? I'm lucky if I get a match per week, let alone a date.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Also there's no incentive not to go as hard as they can in making dating hard because Match.com has an effective monopoly since they buy up every dating app.

by jessicahaley 1 week ago

ehh... I have a friend who says the same thing about the dentist lol ("why would they actually want to fix my teeth? it's better for them if I keep getting cavities or "develop gingivitis"")

by Anonymous 1 week ago

At least the dentist has a professional organization they have to be responsible to.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Sure, but that's a dislike of a person's choice of actions and the way they present themselves. That's one of the things I actually liked about dating apps versus in-person stuff. I'm not even talking about red flags, just things that are immediate compatibility issues. If you're the kind of woman who loves tailgating for football games every weekend and going to country music concerts the rest of the time, it was a hard pass for me.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

"It's not like a woman will swipe left on a chubby awkward guy, then see a similar guy in a coffee shop and go "oh man something about seeing him in person" That's not true at all. Women are attracted to personalities over looks. Sure you can physically be a 10 but then open your mouth or just be awkward af and drop to a 2 instantly and vice versa. There are a ton of chubby/not conveniently attractive guys that I've met irl and been interested but had I had only a profile pic to go off of, never would have.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I've met a few women on apps and it usually goes well on the date. We laugh a lot, enjoy ourselves and usually have a pretty good time. Most are nice enough to text me afterwards and tell me how much they enjoyed themselves and I always get really nice compliments on my personality, my smile and how interesting I am but that they weren't physically attracted to me. I get up every day at 5:30 to go work out before work and I make well over six figures a year. (Very thankful for that) I'd like to date a woman who does the same. The problem for me is I'm really not on anyone's radar for dating. Many profiles list men being under six foot tall as an instant dealbreaker. I'm also on the slimmer side so even though I work out regularly and have a really physical job, it disqualifies me pretty quickly from a lot of possible matches. Education level is another thing that a lot of women look at but based on a man's attractiveness, many will overlook that if he checks enough of their "physical" boxes AND has a solid career. Don't discount looks from online dating, it's very quietly the most important aspect of whether or not a person gets matches and dates that lead to an actual relationship.

by Fantastic-Coffee 1 week ago

Curious as I'm considering setting up a hinge....did you ever pay at all on the app? I've heard one of the big issues is the apps really try to incentivize you to pay otherwise you'll get no action at all. I'm not a fan of paying for something like that hence if it's basically pay-to-play I'd rather not sign up.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I've had good success on Hinge without paying anything. It's definitely possible to get plenty of matches as a guy if you put effort into your profile, your initial message (you can send a message when you like a profile), and your matches. If you want any advice, feel free to DM me.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

No hunting or fishing pics. Don't jump right into sexual discussions. Swipe on every Pic because you have no idea who is still on the apps or not

by New_Advertising 1 week ago

Yeah, I'd generally pay for a month and then cancel the reoccurring billing. Yes, they do put limits on the functionality of the apps without some cost investment, but I always viewed it as being cheaper than going out to bars and trying to chat people up. I'm also not really sympathetic when people's complaints are "man, this thing that someone programmed, tested, developed and tweaked and now needs to pay for hosting space on web servers costs us money?"

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

You don't have to go to bars. You can do something more productive like a hobby and engage with women that way rather than sitting on a screen swiping away waiting for that next dopamine hit.

by Correct_Cupcake1443 1 week ago

You have a fundamental misunderstanding of how men and women operate. You can't just walk up to a girl and ask for her number. She might say yes, but it sends the wrong vibe right from the start. Getting to know her first and having more reasons other than just her looks is the way to actually make something work. Also... do you really want her to say yes when you just met? It reeks of too easy.

by Xbatz 1 week ago

You're reading a lot into what I'm saying that isn't there at all.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

No I'm not. This is exactly what you said. Yet walk up to a person in public and start trying to talk to them, you can often be shut down just as quickly with just as little explanation You are comparing shady, stupid ways to meet someone with online dating, which is also shady and stupid.

by Xbatz 1 week ago

Yes, but I didn't say "walk up and ask for their phone number." You can walk up to a person and say "hey, that's a really cool tshirt" or "you're reading my favorite book" or the classic "hey, can I buy you a drink?" and try to start an actual conversation and still be told to buzz off. Again, reading things into what I'm saying that are just not there. So somehow normal human interaction is shady and stupid? You must be super fun at parties.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

This goes right back to you having no understanding of women. Women are not stupid. You can't just walk up to them and start pretending to be interested in other things.

by Xbatz 1 week ago

that doesn't mean that someone saying "hey, that's my favorite book" is automatically a lie or a line If a woman is attractive, she's getting hit on constantly. It happens so often, she assumes anyone who so much as looks at her wants to hit on her. I don't care if you believe me or not. I'm trying to tell you the truth.

by Xbatz 1 week ago

I'm well aware of that. However my point is that being hit on is not necessarily something that people automatically reject. I've literally been in situations where I started talking to someone, had a good conversation, got a phone number and went on some dates as a result.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

I've noticed a few problems with the way people approach them. Women, myself included, were under the weird impression that dating apps would give us more options than existed in the area. I kind of figured the outliers like me wouldn't be able to find a woman irl so I'd be able to find them on the apps. It never worked. Then when I moved to where I belonged I met my now husband on an app within 6 months. Does what you want actually exist? Because the app isn't going to manifest men. Men actively ask for one thing then get surprised when they don't find the opposite. Men will list literally every option for "looking for" then bitch that they can't find a wife. If you're just looking to get laid then either you're hot or you're not and you have money or you don't. The app doesn't change that. But if you want serious you can't have a dtf profile. I have had guys irl tell me they pick every option because they want to sleep around until they find a wife. The dtf women are repelled by that and the women looking for serious aren't stupid enough to think they're special. At least get two different profiles, damn. Do you know what you want? Ignoring the difference between dating apps and hookup apps. If an app only lets you upload pictures and a few lines of text then it's a hookup app. Don't go here in search of serious. If an app has you fill out a full profile with paragraphs as answers then it's a dating site, don't be surprised when people here aren't dtf.

by Gborer 1 week ago

Yeah, for sure, it works for you, so I wouldn't ever tell you how to go about your dating life. But if it doesn't work for someone else, I wouldn't say that dating apps aren't the problem and they just need to do XYZ to be successful. Especially if they have more success out in the real world. In fact, if they have luck in the real world, I would say dating apps are 100% the problem in their case lol.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Sure but that's a difference between large scale aggregate trends and a singular person's experience. Plus we're talking hypotheticals, usually people who have an easy time dating in real life wouldn't have much barriers to success in dating apps. Likely that means you're attractive, charming and confident and it's not as though those things can't carry over into pictures and text conversation. Some people may not like the dating apps and that's totally fine.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

I mean that's just people being stupid. Just because you match with someone, doesn't mean anything's going to come of it. I would usually have anywhere from 2-4 matches/conversations going at a time. In real life people do stuff like that all the time, though usually it's less ignoring someone in favor of a prospective date and more keeping your current partner on the hook until you can figure out if the person you really want is interested in you or not.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

I think the issue between apps and irl is that on apps the options are literally there, presented to you, and you can see who has a mutual interest if they swipe, whereas irl you don't have that at all. So apps give people a different sense of things as a result and I do think it's changed how people date, and not necessarily for the better

by rae87 1 week ago

In that case it seems like the first girl dodged a bullet.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Dating apps suck because people are generally shallow and have unrealistic expectations. This isn't a problem with the dating apps though. It's a problem with chronically online people and/or people who don't have novel ways to meet people in real life.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

That's my entire point. None of this stuff is unique to dating apps.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

Oh, yeah. I'm agreeing with you. I'm not exactly a conventionally attractive guy and I did fine when I was on Bumble and even Tinder (though, to a lesser extent).

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Sure, but that's my whole point, people complain about dating apps and assume they've somehow ruined dating. I found myself single and in NYC at age 35 after my divorce, without dating apps I don't really know how I'd have ever found anyone other than just bankrupting myself going out to bars every weekend trying to get phone numbers.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

The problem with dating apps is people move too fast.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Issue with dating apps is: if you're above average attractive, you have a completely different experience. At a place people talk to you in person, there's much more wiggle room for your personality to show; if the entire interaction starts with looks and you don't have the one they're looking for, you won't talk, your personality doesn't matter. In social settings, you get rejected after trying; on dating apps, you don't even get to try.

by Lednerjoan 1 week ago

This is undoubtedly true. I am probably average attractiveness but did fine online dating - I just made sure to stay away from platforms that were focused on appearance over all else: Tinder, etc. Ones where you could showcase more of your personality worked much better for me. It's mostly about finding what works for you and avoiding what doesn't.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I just had a blast on tinder and never really cared about the other apps. I mean OF COURSE its superficial. And it just makes me laugh how that only goes in one direction, when it comes to the complainers. "Well so I made my choices and swiped right on a rather small amount of people I found attractive...now HOW DARE THESE WOMEN TO DO THE SAME! THEY SHOULD IGNORE WHAT THEY FIND ATTRACTIVE AND LOOK AT MY OTHER TRAITS! Like I am a nice guy."

by CutBitter 1 week ago

Usually its the guy who's a 4-5 but trying to land a 10 lol. Not saying you can't try to get someone out of you league...but don't be surprised if it doesn't happen lol.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

You said you know the statisitics and the data, yet what you are saying sounds like you dont. Women swipe about 10% of men, men swipe on over 50% of women. Women are way more selective, which is in their nature. Problem with dating apps is, that its all superficial. So it doesnt really matter if you have confidence, humor, charisma if you dont even get the match to show it.

by Clay74 1 week ago

you think that stats you mentioned could've to do with the fact that another big amount of men are doom-swiping every single person right to „weed out later?" No because most men, despite liking alot of women, rarely have matches. Having 2-3 Matches a month is kind of the average experience for men. Men eventually swipe everything in hope to atleast get something. It comes from a place of getting absolutely no matches at all because women tend to be extremely selective on those apps. I dont blame them. If almost any given like is a match, why drop your standards. But obviously the guys who are very popular are not gonna commit. They are willing to date down for casual sex but never commit. And so women are often times also frustrated with their online dating experience because they have to share those highly attractive guys they are matching with other women but not getting serious relationships with them.

by Clay74 1 week ago

I found my bf on an app but I had to sift through a lot of garbage before I found him. Apps aren't the problem though. If you're undesirable on apps, what makes you think you'll do better irl? People who are relationship people are going to be in relationships - regardless of how they met their person. If you have a bad picker & are too quick to cut people off, you'll struggle no matter what.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Its crazy how many people expect it to be a fairy tale. Id expect to get far more rejections/failures than not. Especially with such a big pool of people. People have no grit and can't stand a single rejection now. They get too invested in dating the idea of the person before they've even asked. Then it crushes them and they bring that hurt into every interaction, hurting their chances worse. Its sad.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Yep, my girlfriend and I met on Bumble. I went out with a lot of unappealing prospects as well. One woman waited about 4-5 weeks in when things were starting to get serious to tell me "oh by the way if you want to continue dating you'll have to get rid of your cats". I would have appreciated her telling me pet ownership was an issue earlier on, there's no universe in which I pick any woman over my cats.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

People also tend to do varying degrees of spin to justify why someone was interested. Clearly that woman is shallow, it's not that someone isn't actually as much of a catch as they think.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

Dating apps didn't cause the problem but they enhanced it to the obscene level that it is now.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Is casting a wider net reflective of an open mind? Or is it reflective of the number of men who are using any dating app in the hopes of getting sex and thus personality is a lot less important? Yes, you have less information to go off of in terms of dating apps, but it's exactly the same as being at a party and going "hey that person over there is cute, let me go talk to them." You can try and make some judgements based on the information you have in that moment, but it's no more likely to be accurate than what you interpret from a dating app. If someone only had a single picture and no personal details or information filled out, I always swiped left on that person. At best they were just a lazy unimaginative person, at worst they're a scammer.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

So all of that are completely different issues than what I'm discussing. If someone's using a dating app to cheat on their wife, how is that any different than someone going to a hotel bar on a work trip and banging some random woman? Again, none of the behaviors you're listing are things that only started existing because of dating apps. For a long time it was pretty much just assumed that men would have affairs and mistresses and women would just deal with it. Why do you think men made it so hard for women to get bank accounts and various other legal privileges that no longer forced them to stay shackled to their husbands forever?

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

If I ever used a dating app, I would use to find a friend. I think high failure rate comes from high expectations. People are looking for a partner right out the gate, and that simply does not happen well. Come hang out with me. We'll do thing pertaining to our interests and I won't try to get you to sniff my balls. That line will be in there. Put em at ease, yknow?

by Haagkatelyn 1 week ago

yes they are :)

by No_Caterpillar 1 week ago

I guess I'm a waste of online dating space then.

by Elinor41 1 week ago

Social medias like Instagram are the big problem.

by Annabell92 1 week ago

I don't date at all, so I haven't had personal experience with dating apps. BUT: I hear people complain about them a lot, but I also know multiple people who met a long term partner through dating apps. Back in like 2009, one of my friends met her husband on a dating site like eHarmomy. It was a free trial, so a very quick match. My best friend met her boyfriend of over a year on a dating app. I know other people who met this way too and are in long term relationships. I think you just have to wade through a lot of wrong people before you find one who's right for you.

by Pristine-Singer 1 week ago

Which is exactly what dating is, you just meet people faster. The meet cute is adorable but less efficient!

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

It's pretty easy for women who don't have unrealistic standards.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Yeah, the apps with 90%+ fake profiles, scammers, and malicious agents, aren't the problem at all.. Smh..

by Bulky_Actuator3540 1 week ago

Well studies disagree with you, so there's that 🤷‍♀️ From what I've read, dating apps ARE the problem. They gamify dating and make it so the adrenaline rush you get from swiping is more important than a real connection. They also force you into an awkward, unnatural "immediate romantic" type situation instead of being able to meet people organically with no forced expectations of ANY kind of romantic connection so that you can develop a friendship first and see where that takes you naturally. Personally used dating apps for years, and before that dating websites. The only thing that ever worked out for me in the end was meeting someone in real life outside of the digital dating world.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Ehhh, in general I think people (except for the very introspective level headed people), want about 25% better than they bring to the table, and the apps enable that indulgence to the extreme. On the other hand I notice plenty of people totally ignoring the important values that should be the basis of a relationship clearly listed on a profile. I am a Christian guy who wants children. I can't tell you the number of hyper career focused women who hate kids and hate religion try and strong arm me into dating them because I'm tall and have a good job, and "kids are overrated compared to a regular trips to europe(wish I was kidding, no pun intended)"

by Anonymous 1 week ago

With all due respect, the defense of dating apps feels like gaslighting - the evidence to the contrary is just way too overhwelming.

by Boscoarvilla 1 week ago

the biggest issue men have with dating apps is that they're just physically unappealing and refuse to work on their appearance because they think it's gay. the same people will get a haircut every two weeks because they think it makes them look fresh, even though the cut they're getting doesn't suit their facial shape (they won't listen if you tell them that's gay too) , and spray on the types of cologne that reeks like urine.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

You're sort of proving my point. None of that is something unique to dating apps. If you're massively out of shape and dress poorly that's unappealing in all situations, not just when someone's looking at your profile on a dating app.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

of course, dating apps are just a reflection of society, if you do poor on them you'll generally also do poor in real life.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Well since dating has moved to apps, people have less relationships and less marriages, so regardless of your opinion, the results are bad

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Any sources to back up this alarmism? I'd generally argue that you could put a lot of this down to other shifts in society, rather than the straw man of dating apps.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

That's a completely different line of conversation. I'm talking about the complaints that dating apps are shallow, superficial or somehow disadvantageous to some people in a way that doesn't exist in meatspace dating.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

Ok. I'll grant you that point if you think they aren't making them shallow or superficial on purpose then that's a completely different conversation. But I do think they are making them shallow or superficial on purpose.

by NeedleworkerMurky 1 week ago

I think an attempt to make dating apps that enabled some kind of deep personal connection purely over an app would be destined to failure because that's not how human interactions and relationships work. The purpose of the dating apps is to help you find people. From there the rest is down to chemistry, timing and the ineffable aspects of attraction and romance.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

Surely you can't mean that they can't be made better. More humane.

by NeedleworkerMurky 1 week ago

What precisely do you view as inhumane about dating apps?

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

Sure, and like if you meet a random stranger you need to spend time getting to know them. Even if your close friend tries to set you up with someone who they insist is "perfect for you" doesn't mean that's going to work out either. Again, none of these critiques of dating apps are actually critiques of the app. Yes, you need to get to know a person before you can figure out if you're compatible with them, but even knowing a person well doesn't mean you'll be compatible in a relationship. Tons of people have very different connections and expectations with a significant other than they do friends. Not to mention that living with people often shows you a different side of them than just hanging out now and again. A good friend of mine is a very well put together guy. He's smart, caring, friendly, has a very good view on money and in his mid 20s is already focusing on long term investments. On the other hand, the man is absolutely feral when it comes to his living space in some ways. I bought him a tupperware because he was storing leftover food on baking sheets in his fridge.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

i always just feel like irl is better. It's hard to judge if i like someone or not just by what usually is shown on dating apps. irl what happens for me is someone does something in some way that makes me find them interesting/have a crush so i go talk to them. Like maybe they're being really nice to a stranger (whether or not the stranger is me) or they sound very knowledgeable or they just have a nice voice. Or they are very funny. With online dating this can't really happen. There is not a moment of like, 'noticing someone across the room because of their laugh' or anything, and that's my preferred way to fall in love with someone lol. The same person who would catch my interest irl i might not even know on an app bc maybe the way they describe themselves isn't good, or maybe they text really differently than they talk or something like maybe how they text is very distant even if they are interested whereas if they were talking and i hear their tone of voice and see their expressions i would know for sure. I think with online dating i would often be (depending on the app) making a choice to engage with someone based on things that i don't actually focus on in a potential partner, bc that is how they are set up and bc there is no way to notice the things i do look for till i met them.

by Intelligent-Owl 1 week ago

Oh sure, in person is better, but that's also a fault of people using dating apps. If you're hoping to establish a deep personal connection via text message, you're sort of missing the point. The apps are intended to be a quick jumping off point; find someone who at least checks off some boxes and then go from there.

by Lindalfonso 1 week ago

Yes, please pass the Turing Test in your first message lol.

by Gborer 1 week ago

Deal with it

by clyde50 1 week ago

Deal with what? I agreed with you.

by Gborer 1 week ago

Dating apps certainly have an appeal to people who have underdeveloped social skills and a lack of self confidence. These online apps allow users to hide their socially awkward personalities (even if it is temporarily) and the apps are usually designed to shield the users from any direct social rejection. In a traditional scenario where a man sees an attractive woman and the bar, he approaches her with some sort of conversation/drink offer and depending on a combination of his appearance and social skills, he is either successful or he gets rejected. So, his appearance will have to meet some minimum standard and he will have to be able to socialize and come up with appropriate and/or witty responses in a timeframe with is associated with normal conversation. Well, if you have the social skills of a 12-year-old and you cannot handle any sort of personal rejection then the dating apps protect you from that. You get to browse through all these profiles and swipe left or right without the fear of experiencing social rejection. If they are lucky to get a match, now they can communicate with that person via a text messaging format that gives the users a ridiculously long period of time to formulate their responses. In text messaging it is socially acceptable to take a long time to reply (anywhere from minutes to several hours). Way longer than what would be socially acceptable in a face-to-face interaction (immediate). So, if you are a socially strange person without a lot of self confidence then you can imagine how people like that would prefer a method of communication that gives them a long period of time to consider their responses without being directly in front of the person they are talking to. The problem is not the dating app. The problem is usually some combination of poor appearance and bad social skills.

by Schuppeaustyn 1 week ago