+50 Third places are not the holy grail of socializing people want to pretend they are, amirite?

by Uabshire 2 weeks ago

Dunno about the introvert part, but i agree that people don't want to put the effort into going out and interacting with people. They want it to be like school - you are forced to go to the same place and share activity with hundreds of other people. They want someone else to do the "matchmaking".

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

There's a reason most people's "best friends" tend to be people they met in either high school or college.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

idk if you can say introverts are socially awkward weirdos. Or that people who are socially inept are weird to begin with. Not being good at being social doesn't make you weird.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

That was more of a joke, and more about how extroverts tend to view us.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

That may be true, but that's how it comes off sometimes.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Idk that's on others to not think that then

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

"as a (made up dichotomy)" That is a learned helplessness right there. I have all the trairs someone who an "introvert" has, except I'm not so scared of other people that I hide behind my love of books and personal space as an excuse for my failed social skills. Have some agency in your life and recognize that you being a socially awkward weirdo is 100% in your power to control. It starts with learning to dress yourself and wearing deodorant.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Did you hurt yourself jumping to all those conclusions?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Care to cite your sources?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Damn man brought receipts

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Im on a personal crusade of socially awkward people hiding behind made up disorder because they once heard it repeated in an echo chamber and never once took the time to educate themselves. The introverta extrovert dichotomy is the worst. I worked with an "introvert" in foreign aid relief. She used her "intovert" status to be a rude bitch to everyone she encountered and hated working with the public despite the fact that was our literal job description and she refused to speak the local language and anytime someone tried to give her constructive criticism she would through a literal tantrum about too many people coming at her.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Or they actively don't want to step out of their comfort zone, when in a lot of cases you have to make the first move.

by EntrepreneurFull 2 weeks ago

"It's just a completely flawed argument because there are third spaces, there are plenty of places adults can go to see people regularly. But you, the individual, have to do some work to turn "that person I see at a volunteer gig every week" into a friend." Not really. One thing being ignored is that third spaces are still built mostly around this idea that people work 9-5 M-F. Anyone working a night shift like myself. Or weekends also myself. Often are working during the time those Third Spaces are available. One of the only third spaces I can go is a laundromat. Or the Grocery store and so on. Add in that these are not places a lot of people go for the purposes of socializing with others. It is definitely limiting. I've joined multiple local social groups with an eye towards attending events only for every event to be planned during my work shifts.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

In the past when there weren't mobile phones people were often out and about and caught a little short and then they were willing to talk to strangers and include them etc. These days if your bowling partner gets stuck in traffic you get a text and go home or you change your plans instead of waiting about and hoping they turn up eventually.

by IllPressure6283 2 weeks ago

And this is something people like you on here don't seem to understand. I don't have a place to go to where I see "that person I see at a volunteer gig every week.". I look constantly and whatever few opportunities there are people don't show up consistently.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Am I the only one who has never heard the term "third places"?!

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Nope. My first time hearing it too.

by Head_Conversation118 2 weeks ago

You have a grave misunderstanding of what third places are.

by caterina20 2 weeks ago

the weird thing about the term is that people now use it to mean a bunch of things, because it's only really ever brought up in one context, people making the argument that "a lack/loss of third spaces" are to blame for societal/personal cases of social isolation. Traditionally a third space is "the place you go regularly besides home (first space) and work (second space), like the bar in Cheers. Nowadays, some write that a true "third space" must be free because their argument is "people don't hang out in these places like they used to because society is so dang expensive" But under any definition they still exist. You can still go to church regularly, go hang out in public parks, go to the library and participate in their events, all for free. And if you don't mind spending a bit of money, lots of gyms also involve social opportunities. Lots of bars have weekly events like trivia nights where you can become a "regular". Coffee shops where you go enough times that you're friendly with the staff, a weekly DnD session, the sports team you have season tickets to, your kids sports practices and games, all third spaces. The whole "lack of third spaces" argument is just a coping mechanism for people who never leave their comfort zone imo

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

The most compelling argument I've heard is that they no longer exist for minors which is much more the case. It's hard for people under 21 to find a place where they can comfortably hang out with their friends especially with how expensive everything is now. In the US at least, malls are dying, restaurants are extortionately priced, and parks are littered with needles and biohazard because our government can't find any actual solutions for homelessness.

by Rosalee73 2 weeks ago

Unpopular opinion time I think kids need more unsupervised time. They need to learn to make their own choices and deal with consequences while those choices and consequences can be (relatively hopefully) minor. I've heard a few stories now if kids who never truly learned to function on their own, and then broke down when they went away to college. Not because they couldn't do the work, but because they weren't used to someone else telling them what to do and when.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

I think it depends on where you live, but I've heard stories about people calling the police or cps on parents for leaving their kids out or teens when left unsupervised out in public so it's not just a parent thing. Hell, even then. Right before my 18th birthday, I was asked where my parents were when I went shopping.

by lauren00 2 weeks ago

I've heard those stories too. I don't know what the answer is, but it just feels like we're not doing a very good job of teaching kids how to be adults.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Because no one will let them.

by lauren00 2 weeks ago

That's wild. My parents essentially let me roam the city (about 170,000 population) from the time i was 15. No curfew or anything and i was born in 2001. Now, i would say things are been a bit worse since the 2010s when i was doing this but it was great. My friends and i would hike until we got to the woods south of town and we'd just hang. None of us even did drugs or drank until way later in high school lol

by Rosalee73 2 weeks ago

Well, I would roam around by myself too, but I also did have someone ask if my parents were around when I went to the store by myself once a couple months before my 18th birthday. I was born in 2000. I didn't grow up in the city.

by lauren00 2 weeks ago

I get it, too. NGL, I have no idea how to square that circle. But I always wonder if more stuff is happening to kids compared to 35 years ago, or if we just know about more of it because of social media.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

rates of violent crime are objectively down from 35 years ago, but people act like they've gone up. it's frustrating to try to speak to people about, too, because they never seem to fully believe it even though it is true. the perception that violent crime is everywhere always is so pervasive that our entire culture has a collective anxiety disorder.

by ernest09 2 weeks ago

Violent crime might be down, but I'd argue the randomness is up. 35 years ago, you could be reasonably sure that, if you avoided certain places, you'd be fine. Now it FEELS like thing happen randomly anywhere and everywhere.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

I think social media raised awareness but it also raised avenues for people who would do harm to children to interact with like-minded individuals and become emboldened by them. I don't know if that makes sense but it wouldn't shock me. The internet also enabled these people to interact with children entirely anonymously which is not good obviously lol

by Rosalee73 2 weeks ago

this part. we got rid of community centers and made loitering a crime, while making it easy to sit inside and play video games online. not disparaging video games, but it isn't a great sign for our society that those interactions make up the bulk of human engagement for some people.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

The loss of their friends' houses?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Lmao

by lauren00 2 weeks ago

Hell, even hanging out at friend's houses has gotten tougher - I turned 18 in 2010, but from 16-18 had at least a few times a neighbor complained about "strange cars parked on the street" when we were hanging at a friend's place.

by dandrecole 2 weeks ago

At least your neighbor didn't call the police on you for a suspicious car parked outside her house on the street the day of a relatives funeral. Basically, one of my second cousins parked their car out front of my aunts neighbors and she called the police on them the day of my grandmas funeral. This lady has done more crazy things, but when you've got a neighbor like that it can be scary if you're younger.

by lauren00 2 weeks ago

Now think about the level of paranoia people have about their kids now. People are much less likely to just let their kids hang out at someone's house these days. So it's not just the lack of third spaces. It's that, combined with the ease of online "socializing", and the paranoia of parents today, that makes things how they are. To the whole other people's houses point, I'm guessing most parents would feel better about their kid hanging out with friends at some neutral third space vs. someone else's home.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

even in schools, when left without restrictions kids will opt to stare at their phones instead of talking to their peers in the cafeterias.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Ye that's true in HS and later Middle school, there was no place that wasn't school or a friends house you wouldn't be kicked out of. We used to just hang out in allies and parking lots And this isn't even a zoning problem I lived in west Los Angeles

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Funny you mention this when funding for public parks and libraries is continually being cut. There's a crisis about public space remaining public.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Everything closes so early now. I get off work (6-7) and most places are closed or you can squash in for a quick meal before they close. Even bars close 9-10. I'm glad I'm old and boring already

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

That's what's become my third place, the library.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Agreed with everything until you said "just a coping mechanism for people who never leave their comfort zone." All the places you mentioned where it's inclined to socialize are attached with something you already pointed out, they cost money (becoming a regular at a coffee shop, gyms, trivia nights at bars) I just don't have to spend like that. I don't even mind spending once in a while but to make it a weekly thing would put me in debt. I find DnD cringe so that's not an option, even though I don't really like sports I've tried finding groups or teams to join in my city they're all pay to play or outside my timezone like 12:00pm on a weekday when people like me are usually at work. I've gone through this deep dive of options with others & we all come to find out that unless you dedicate a whole other bank account essentially to go out places we don't really have many options. That's why a lot of people I know that are going to concerts & paint nights are always complaining they're in debt or have the opportunity to live with their parents. And why I go to the library.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Its not that serious (grave lol)

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

That's what the popular definition seems to be. If you have your own please do share.

by Uabshire 2 weeks ago

Third places are where you meet people outside your two major social spheres - work and home. The "meet people" does not mean getting to know more people. It means where you can socialize (which usually is people you seek out) outside the spaces you ny necessity spend most of your time.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Then we probably just interpret OPs words differently. I can see where you interpretation comes from, but I felt it was more the angle of devaluing third places where that bonus exists.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

people get so weird about "third spaces" stuff because calling the BS out forces people to realize "hey maybe it's my fault" lonely people who blame "a lack of their spaces" for being lonely tend to have a third space, the internet. They avoid irl spaces and then blame society for it.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Jokes on you, some people only have one place!

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Work 😞

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Or Home and WFH...

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

That's what he said lmao

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

There are plenty of 3rd places.. The problem is, everyone's 3rd place is the internet.. Most people spend more time logged into social media each week.. Then they do their 40hr a week job…

by Tasty_Soft 2 weeks ago

Swing and a miss.

by ferryantonia 2 weeks ago

I'm literally spending time in a half dozen "third spaces" this week alone, you know what my secret is? I got sick of my lack of excitement in my social life and said "well that's not going to change unless I make some changes", took accountability for myself, and went out and gave it a try! Sure I felt awkward showing up to some of these places not knowing anyone, but after coming back a few times, those people that were once strangers became acquaintances, and some even became friends!

by montanaeffertz 2 weeks ago

"Third spaces" are spaces where you can go to socialize that *don't* cost money: parks, libraries, public events, churches, etc. It's not that they don't exist, it's that they've fallen out of favor because they are inclusive of *everyone*, which doesn't support the privileged narrative of "main character syndrome".

by nyah03 2 weeks ago

Not in my location. Those places tend to be FULL of people, especially the parks. I am in the USA. They were dying, but after Covid, there was a boom in population at these places. Plus, most museums are free and were refurbished, so they are super popular now!!

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Well in most American cities they'll find permanent occupants that most people don't want to spend a lot of time with. It's exhausting even for the most pro-social among us.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

huh?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

The homeless and poor

by abe64 2 weeks ago

oh. okay how are homeless people relevant?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

to me its unfair to say "I'm nor willing to spend money on socializing, but free places to socialize have too many poors!"

by montanaeffertz 2 weeks ago

There are tons of 3rd spaces in my city. They aren't used bc a lot of them get taken over by the homeless. It's just not safe. Our library shut down for months bc it was overrun.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

The thing is, you actually have to walk around WITHOUT the AirPods in.

by Present_West_1360 2 weeks ago

I get what you're saying I think. People have to put in the effort to socialize, regardless of a third place?

by Ashleygreenfeld 2 weeks ago

basically people use "a lack of third spaces" as a coping mechanism for "I don't socialize", it's not their lack of effort but a lack of places to socialize.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

I actually really do agree with this. A lot of people are open to conversation anywhere I've found if you just get out of your comfort zone & initiate it.

by Ashleygreenfeld 2 weeks ago

yeah that's the other aspect!!! it's not enough to just go to a "third space", you have to be the one to engage with people and start interactions. It's silly to like, go to a bar, sit in the corner glued to your phone, talk to nobody, leave, then go "what gives??! nobody approached me to start a conversation" you have to be willing to put in the effort

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

It really makes me laugh when people will like, extol the virtues of working from home and say they'll never go into the office again, then turn around and blame society for why they've become a shut in

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Offices aren't a third space. Most people don't like going to the office for various reasons, and people became shut-ins long before WFH became a thing

by Careful-Dealer 2 weeks ago

offices aren't third spaces but the traditional third space is basically "a place you go after work, before you get home", and your coworkers are very often the people you visit these spaces with. Already being out, dressed, etc., makes it easier to go somewhere else. Having to get dressed & ready when you're not, makes it easier to stay home. The whole "ugh it's so nice never having to put on pants to work" thing goes hand in hand with "I'm in a rut socially and entering social situations feels scarier than it used to"

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

I think most people who wfh use the internet as their way to talk to others the way that people who are in the office would just talk to their coworkers.

by lauren00 2 weeks ago

Social environments. Home is the "first place", work is the "second place", " third places" are meant to be locations people frequent outside of home or work where they interact with people who aren't their co-workers or immediate family, like a park or cafe.

by Traditional_Cow_2804 2 weeks ago

It's a sociological term used to describe an environment where human beings socialise that isn't their home (first place) and work (second place).

by StraightReporter8618 2 weeks ago

Thanks, I was hoping I wasn't the only one confused

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Third places are the bronze medal of socialization.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Never heard anyone say 'third place'.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

There's a proper way to utilize a third space (or similar environments). It takes persistence, time, effort, and some social skills for third spaces to be effective. Here's two opposing scenarios: If you're a college student - showing up to the same study lounge at the same days and times each week, you'll eventually become a familiar face and it's easier to make small talk and progress from there. However, if you just show up to bar, bowling alley or something randomly one day expecting to make friends you're going to be disappointed.

by Heidi34 2 weeks ago

It's kids complaining that there's nowhere for them to hung out that's low cost or free sometimes without being harassed like a park or something. Plus, people are paranoid. Neighbors are paranoid about the neighbor kids, parents are paranoid about leaving them on their own, etc.

by lauren00 2 weeks ago

I met all three of my most significant relationship partners in third places. A gaming store, a tattoo shop, and a roller rink. Just because you don't have the ability to strike up conversations with strangers doesn't mean that third places aren't valuable, necessary, social hubs.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

I think third places have lost favor and people are lazy, but they still exist if someone gets off their couch. All of my friends are from synagogue, the pool, a charity that I've been involved in, and events related to the Jewish community. I also have line dancing where I have some friendly acquaintances and it's held in the Moose Lodge that is a perfect example of a third place, and there are people there every evening eating, drinking and attending events. As far as kids their third places similar. Family friendly organizations that their parents are involved with, after school and camp activities. Used to be outside in the neighborhood and I see that a little in my neighborhood but not as much as when we were kids.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Third places?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

A place that isn't your home (first place) or work (second place), than can allow for community and socialisation. Obviously restaurants and bars count as a third place, but they have a limited scope in their offerings; it's usually things like coffee shops, community centers and leisure activity places that are mentioned when talking about a lack of third places; businesses that don't rely on alcohol service as their primary draw.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

I am so confused right now.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Discord and anime conventions are the third place

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

People need hobbies that it. Find a hobby, find local people who share that hobby, instant friends and thing to do.

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Most of the friends I made up until the last 3-4 years were mostly in third spaces or we at least had somewhere to go hang out

by Justen49 2 weeks ago

Actually it kinda is, especially if you live somewhere like me that forces you to use a car because it's nothing but urban sprawl. It would be nice to be able to walk outside and maybe to a place where other humans are gathering and being humans?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

Once I realized how much I love the house I've built with all my stuff, and how much drama and annoyance other people cause - I didn't feel the need to 3rd place. I like 1st place. I spent a lot of money to live here and I want to enjoy my quiet and peace. If I feel lonely, I can talk to someone on the phone. If I need to touch grass, I go sit in my garden.

by smithamhattie 2 weeks ago

Meeting people requires effort. If you don't make an effort to approach and talk to people, what do you expect?

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago

I did not imagine the coffeshops and mini-golf leaving myvarea. It really happened.

by LycheeGeneral 2 weeks ago

Is easy to have an "unpopular" (bad) opinion on something you don't understand.

by Initial-Range 2 weeks ago

Whoa. Didnt know this was even a thing and it sounds stupid as hell. In my day they called it going out

by Anonymous 2 weeks ago