"Calm down" should not (always) be a bad thing, amirite?

Calm down dude.

by Kitchen_Designer 8 months ago

The problem with this is the goal is to de-escalate. Telling someone to "calm down", even if they justifiably should calm tf down, 90% of the time is only going to escalate them more. I also think it depends too on how well you know this person. Is it a friend or someone who you can put in their place when it's necessary? (Even then it doesn't always end well)

by Anonymous 8 months ago

Telling someone to "calm down", even if they justifiably should calm tf down, 90% of the time is only going to escalate them more. That's the problem OP is talking about. "Calm down" doesn't work, but it should.

by yrohan 8 months ago

Yeah you have to know the person. i have a friend that has severe PTSD when he gets to that stage saying calm down to him feels like your not validating his real struggles. He responds way better with take a lap. We say that and it'll generally snap him out of it long enough to know it's fine to leave the situation. Just got to know your friends.

by Upstairs_Two8556 8 months ago

I don't think I've heard or or seen any examples of saying "calm down" being a successful way to deescalate a situation regardless of intent behind it.

by Anonymous 8 months ago

I was a valet at a casino years ago and was technically part of security, so I had to take a deescalulation class. According to that class, you actually aren't supposed to tell someone to calm down because most people take it as you saying they are overreacting. More often than not, they prove you right by overreacting to being told to calm down, making it even worse and harder to actually calm down the situation

by Jayne58 8 months ago

All I'm getting from that is that if you tell someone to calm down and they get pissed about it you were right and they should calm the hell down.

by Anonymous 8 months ago

Sure you were right but telling them to calm down only makes doing that harder. Being right about something isn't the point here. Getting them to calm down is and saying "calm down" doesn't help you to that goal. This is one of those situations where keeping the truth to yourself is a good thing.

by Jayne58 8 months ago

Unless it followed by something that makes you calm down. Like, "come down, I am taking care of it".

by Anonymous 8 months ago

It actually works on me if it's someone I know. I know I can get hot headed every once in awhile and my friends/family know that so if one of them tells me to calm down, they're probably right and I usually listen.

by Exciting_Key 8 months ago

Yep. If someone tells me to calm down or something, that's my moment to step back and go "Do I?" 9/10, yes, I do need to calm down. Why is this so hard for people?

by Worldly-Quail-2568 8 months ago

telling someone to calm down will not make them calm down, it will 9 times out of 10 just make them pissed off at you

by Anonymous 8 months ago

when i'm upset or frustrated "calm down" is not helpful or constructive. majority of the time it sounds like the other person isn't taking how i feel seriously and is treating me like i'm throwing a tantrum when im not. "let's take a breath" or literally any other phrase that invokes understanding and care is so much better.

by Anonymous 8 months ago

"Bitch be cool"

by Ankundingcarrie 8 months ago

The only times I feel the need to use that are when people start raising their voice. I don't tell them to "calm down," as I find that is invalidating to their feelings. Instead I tell them "Don't yell at me." This usually snaps them out of that rage and they then just tell me what's up instead of hollering at me. If it doesn't, I just walk away. I don't listen or engage further. They cease to exist until they calm down.

by Specialist_Depth 8 months ago

Because some people use it inappropriately. When people are justifiably angry about something wrong, and that anger is in proportion, they shouldn't be told to "calm down". That is not why it gets a bad reaction.

by Anonymous 8 months ago

Even in OP's example, if someone explodes with curse words and insults over something as minor as forgetting to pick up milk, telling them to calm down isn't going to make them suddenly reflect on their actions and scale back. But something like, "Woah, that's a pretty extreme reaction. What's got you so frustrated?" can acknowledge that you think they need to scale back, but also that there is a reason you're blowing up over milk.

by Anonymous 8 months ago

Exactly. I mean, in OP's example, that person would have severe anger management issues. And IMO women living with men with severe anger issues are usually not throwing around the words "calm down" because they know it will lead to more rage... even if it were justified, it's not strategic. Instead, "calm down" is usually used against people who DON'T have severe rage issues (because those are the only people it's safe to say it to). It's used against people who are upset.

by Anonymous 8 months ago

Have you ever seen a person calm down after being told ONLY to "calm down"? I haven't, usually it takes more words or different words to get someone to actually calm down, if that is even possible. Sometimes you cannot calm someone down and they need to do it by themselves 🤷‍♀️

by Anonymous 8 months ago

Yes, and I've done so myself.

by yrohan 8 months ago

The problem is not in calming down The problem is thinking that just saying calm down is going to magically cause someone to do so If you want someone to calm down you need to actively assist them in doing so which may include anything from offering some other distraction, offering an ear for them to vent to, offering them some advice on the situation if they want it, etc And even then sometimes just like an upset child you sometimes just kind of have to let them tucker themselves out so to speak if they are really worked up over something, let them throw a fit and scream and get it out of their system It can help people feel better It's similar to the difference between telling a depressed person to just lighten up as opposed to actually trying your best to help them feel better

by Anonymous 8 months ago

>The problem is thinking that just saying calm down is going to magically cause someone to do so It's not magic. When you hear "calm down", you can just take a second to assess your reaction. It's not hard.

by yrohan 8 months ago

Don't get a big DICK

by melyssarunolfsd 8 months ago

You go stampede somewhere else, the rational people have this under control

by Far-Neighborhood6140 8 months ago

i told my boss to calm down cause he was losing it over nothing. little to say, he yelled 'DONT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!' lmao

by Anonymous 8 months ago

Simmer down now

by Exciting_Key 8 months ago

Telling someone to calm down is pretty appropriate when they're overreacting and you want to piss them off even more for the laughs

by Anonymous 8 months ago

This is certainly the logical conclusion, unfortunately angry people seldom act rationally. Be right, but not dead right.

by malachi42 8 months ago

Aren't you overreacting?

by Ok_Difficulty3721 8 months ago

I agree. But at the same time, it still irritates me, usually when I'm told to calm down depending on the tone. It depends on the tone for me.

by Anonymous 8 months ago

The fact that you don't even mention gender reflects that you don't have a cognizance of the connotations of this phrase. Regardless of what one means when one says it, it implies a lack of empathy and a condescending tone. You might want to examine why you feel so protective of a two-word phrase over validating others by speaking carefully and trying to comprehend how you are interpreted.

by Expensive-Abalone-94 8 months ago

Because some people use it inappropriately. When people are justifiably angry about something wrong, and that anger is in proportion, they shouldn't be told to "calm down". This is not at all why the phrase gets a bad reaction. It's because the person you're saying it to is necessarily worked up and emotional, and someone in that state of mind isn't thinking and reacting rationally and isn't likely to react well when told as much. And if you're goal is to deescalate something, saying something that's more likely to provoke a person isn't a smart move. It has nothing to do with whether their anger is justified.

by Beiertyrel 8 months ago

Settle down okay

by Anonymous 8 months ago

It's more about what you expect to happen once you say it. If you expect them to just switch their emotions back to neutral, you are set up for disappointment. If your intention is for them to become more reasonable, a better and less dismissive way of saying it is something along the lines of: "I'm going to take a minute in another room, and then I'll come back. I recommend that you do the same."

by Anonymous 8 months ago

There is never a good use of 'calm down' There just isn't.

by Anonymous 8 months ago