If you think marriage is "work", you married the wrong person. amirite?

Came here to say this. It is work, but it's not a job. The "work" I do with my spouse still has to be done but it's real easy work with the right person.

by Elwynbosco 1 day ago

Agree. If everyone waited to find one that didn't take effort, a lot of people would never get there. It's rare that 2 people will fit like a perfect puzzle. You have to be willing to compromise, listen, change plans, change habits, complement each other's lives. That's where the "work" or effort comes in. And some do this very well and others do not. When it's the latter, then it's likely not the right person

by Anonymous 1 day ago

There are also life circumstances. Maybe it's not work now, but maybe someone gets very sick, maybe someone needs to go back to school or work long distance, maybe the circumstances get very difficult and then it is work. Some seasons are harder than others.

by adelelynch 1 day ago

If everyone waited to find one that didn't take effort, a lot of people would never get there. It's rare that 2 people will fit like a puzzle. I was going to say this but you did it first. However my takeaway is different. I've seen very few happy people in relationships that require the effort needed to make the mismatch fit. Usually she does this heavy lifting of the emotional labor that he has little interest in maintaining. This is the exact reason why so many more women than men initiate divorce. Very often leaving him going... "I don't understand what went wrong."

by Bradtkelydia 1 day ago

It's effort and want. When you want to do something and put effort into something you love it comes easy even if there's still maintenance you gotta do.

by Anonymous 1 day ago

Yeah exactly. If you think your marriage is truly effortless you might want to take a closer look.

by Anonymous 1 day ago

How can you do all that when real work interferes?

by ramirobecker 1 day ago

Agreed, I say work meaning you have to put in the good stuff to get out the god stuff. But congrats to OP.

by Anonymous 1 day ago

I heard someone say that marriage is "work" NOT in the sense of labor, but in the kind of effort an artist puts into a masterpiece. Michelangelo worked hard on David. But my marriage has never felt like a job.

by Longjumping_Pack 1 day ago

My relationship with my last ex "flowed like water." Turns out we just weren't addressing the problems.

by orphaauer 1 day ago

I like this answer. 14yrs in and 2 kids here. Love is always there, but making the most of our life together and being intentional took self development and effort together.

by Schillergeoffre 1 day ago

I need to know how long OP has been in their current marriage.

by Optimal_Brush 1 day ago

Let him cook

by Particular-Way-9682 1 day ago

got her ass

by No_Document_882 1 day ago

I came here looking for this answer as well!

by Anonymous 1 day ago

That was my exact first question too…guessing 2-3 years and no kids.

by SuperbGuest8926 1 day ago

Preach, brother.

by Anonymous 1 day ago

This. Sounds like op has no kids and no struggles. I also have 4 kids and balancing life while being a good partner is work. I'm tired, she's tired, sometimes one of us is more tired than the other. The work is saying I'm tired but I want to put you first right now. I'm tired and you just did something that irked me and I'm not going to react with my emotions. Let's get up early on Saturday to have some time without the kids. It's cooking dinner for the other after a long day. It's conversations about finances, how we want to parent the kids, and navigating situations where we disagree. These things weren't difficult when we were dating because life was simpler then. Marriage is work but that work is so rewarding.

by Positive-Sun-2328 1 day ago

Yeah being married to a person isn't having kids tho. Having kids obviously is a lot of work.

by Anonymous 1 day ago

The point isn't the kids, it's having a stressor in the marriage. That can be kids, that can be long work hours, illness, family trouble, financial struggles.

by Positive-Sun-2328 1 day ago

This! My marriage is happy my favorite thing to do is come home. My husband and I this time of year enjoy grilling nightly eating outside and even grocery shopping is fun

by Anonymous 1 day ago

Love isn't found, it's built

by langworthdomini 1 day ago

Yeah, after my divorce, I did a little research about dating and relationships. The dating advice that resonates with me a lot is that a relationship should be like a cold soup that warms up not a hot soup that cools off. Coincidentally, my second husband loves soup. 😅 He is the one… I have chosen.

by Oscarkirlin 1 day ago

If you think a marriage doesn't take work you're in the honeymoon phase or a stupid superficial relationship without depth or meaning.

by Anonymous 1 day ago

Or the other partner is doing a lot of gap filling while you're blissfully unaware.

by Anonymous 1 day ago

First thing that came to my mind They're bending over backwards to make it easy on this person Marriage requires work. Not constant work, and is much more full of joy than it is a chore, but anyone who isn't putting in any work at all is not participating in growth and navigating life changes

by Anonymous 1 day ago

yeah. Marriages absolutely take compromise. You cannot find anyone that likes every single thing, every color, every decision that you also like, and who also likes to do the chores you hate. Sometimes love is doing the thing you hate because you agreed you would. Needless to say, I hope you're doing this especially for kids, and not just making your kids do everything you like to do

by Anonymous 1 day ago

Marriages do take work, but I think the better way of going about it is to say it shouldn't be hard work. Like any relationship, you need to put in effort for your partner. Being there for them physically/mentally/emotionally, keeping their needs in mind as well as your own. It shouldn't take a lot out of you to be with them. But it shouldn't stress you out; like you said, it should flow naturally like water in a spring. If you're constantly forcing yourself to be a part of it, then that is when it has slipped into hard work and isn't healthy.

by Anonymous 23 hours ago

To misquote Chandler from friends "Yes, you can be high maintenance, but I like...maintaining you."

by Reasonable_Golf6738 23 hours ago

This is the right answer. Define the parameters of "work" before having this discussion.

by Anonymous 23 hours ago

People who say this always feel to me like they're just choosing to interpret it in a way that lets them feel superior.

by ResponsibleWay 23 hours ago

Question: have you or your spouse been through serious illness or trauma that happened during your marriage? I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you that unexpected things beyond the control of anyone can make it hard. That's when you have to put the work in. It's a labor of love, not frustration, but it is not easy.

by florine95 23 hours ago

As an adult most relationships take work and organization

by Anonymous 23 hours ago

Interesting that you didn't happen to include how long you've been married. Your honeymoon period will end, and you will step off of your high horse when you begin to actually understand what people mean when they say marriage takes work.

by Anonymous 22 hours ago

Receipts brought!

by Anonymous 22 hours ago

There was this couples vows that went viral recently where he said: "Our love is work. I don't mean work like drudgery, an early morning commute or stale coffee; I mean work like the way artists talk about paintings as vital and prioritized. It's the most important work of my life, our partnership, and I cherish it."

by Anonymous 22 hours ago

Lmfao. You had me at "I have been in two marriages." Thanks for the advice!

by Anonymous 22 hours ago

Or maybe your partner married the wrong person, but same point

by Anonymous 21 hours ago

Could be. But people grow even if they grow in regression. Regression is still growth, it's just in the opposite direction. People have experienced trauma that doesn't surface and deteriorate the relationship 6 years into it maybe fueled by your decisions and dynamics. "Wrong person" is incredibly self-serving if it was the right person at one time.

by torpnettie 21 hours ago

literally same thing except you're making it the other person's fault instead of mutual

by IllustriousSun 21 hours ago

Sometimes it really is the other person's fault.

by claudine97 20 hours ago

That the two of you got married? I'd be curious to see an explanation

by IllustriousSun 20 hours ago

When you have someone saying they don't think they should put work into the relationship, it probably is their fault.

by Anonymous 20 hours ago

If you don't think marriage is work, you're probably a bad spouse. It's like being a good person - anyone who thinks they are one probably isn't

by Anissahuels 20 hours ago

When you're doing it for someone you love work quickly shifts to care.

by Final_Jump_9125 20 hours ago

So somebody been married for 2 mo so far? Gratz! Good luck

by Particular-Salad4328 19 hours ago

When I think of a marriage requiring "work" I simply interpret this to mean "effort".

by ParkingAutomatic7209 19 hours ago

Some of us are just doing our best against our own bad personalities and that's why it's work 🥲

by Anonymous 19 hours ago

How long have you been married and do you have any kids? Major factors in marriage 'work,'. People who divorce once have high probability of divorcing again from the statistics

by Anonymous 18 hours ago

Work usually means effort. You can have a good marriage and partner. They don't cheat, they don't abuse you, they help out, loyal, etc all the bare minimum. But if there's no effort, making you feel special it can really fade. The little things are really important

by vandervorthayde 18 hours ago

I'm of the opinion that if your relationship takes zero work, the other person is simply picking up your slack.

by Anonymous 18 hours ago

I'm not taking marriage advice from the guy who's been divorced, that's my unpopular opinion

by BodybuilderPrize3704 18 hours ago

All relationships are work, including marriage. When people say marriage is work, they mean that it takes effort to care for it properly, like how its effort to tend to a delicate plant. But that's just how relationships are, romantic or otherwise. You're dealing with a whole other person and trying to keep them and yourself happy is effort. It shouldn't be "hard", but it should be "work".

by Anonymous 18 hours ago

Guess your partner is the one doing all the mental load work then

by Anonymous 17 hours ago

Nah the guy who buys his spouse a vacuum for Christmas isn't doing a damn thing in that relationship.

by Anonymous 17 hours ago

I'm going to say no because even if you are with your best friend like I am, sometimes things go wrong. When my dad needed help moving? My man got stuck doing the literal heavy lifting. When my boyfriend got significantly sicker with covid than I did? Taking care of him was work. Any kind of loving relationship entails this sort of work no matter how happy.

by Anonymous 17 hours ago

People change constantly. The person you married is not the same person 10 years later. So you always marry the wrong person, if you don't already get that just wait a few more years, then they will be the wrong person. But this is why marriage works - it's a commitment or a covenant, not a mutually beneficial consumer agreement.

by Top_Land_3895 17 hours ago

No way. As you age and your life shifts you grow apart, want different things, opinions change, desires / wants / needs change. If you can make it through all of that, THATS marriage. Thats love.

by demondpollich 16 hours ago

'Take marriage advice from me, I have a 50% success rate! (so far)'

by Anonymous 16 hours ago

You're misunderstanding what people mean by work. They just mean that maintaining a relationship long term takes effort.

by Accurate-Carrot 16 hours ago

I think the right word is effort. It takes effort. Anything worth having and maintaining takes effort.

by Anonymous 16 hours ago

spending 40-50 years with someone. keeping things fresh. knowing to not push their buttons. not letting them push yours. raising a family. living through the hard times. that's all work. NONE of that comes naturally or easily. you are looking at your second marriage with the knowledge and experience of your first so of course you're going to have an easier time.

by Tasty_Flatworm 15 hours ago

Definitely unpopular, all relationships require work/give and go, discussions, compromise etc etc. if you've done no work you're a horrible partner

by Anonymous 15 hours ago

I've always wondered for every spouse who says " oh we just flow like water, love of my life"! Their partner is like "yeah its ok if guess". In all marriages..someone is putting in the work. One way or the other. Better to try and lift together.

by Anonymous 15 hours ago

Most people married the wrong person. What is your point

by Anonymous 15 hours ago

Maybe, but it's the person I'm with so it is what it is.

by josefa15 15 hours ago

Married 27 years, happily. It's still work at times. Most of the time it's easy, almost all the time I'm happy to do whatever is needed. The times I'm not thrilled, I still do it because I love her and our kids.

by claudine97 15 hours ago

I don't think it's work but it's effort. If you put in effort for the two years then get married and just kick back that's not great. Continuing to "date" and appreciate your partner is necessary. Some people think that's work because they already worked to get married so now they're done. If you marry one of those people, I'm sorry.

by Anonymous 14 hours ago

All relationships whether marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend are work/effort. That's what people, mean.... that it's am effort. I'm tired after work and I'm only interested in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without marriage. Zero interest in putting in work/effort and mixing the government's in my private life

by OkAssistant5911 14 hours ago

It's enjoyable work, but work nonetheless.

by Immediate_Ad_6692 14 hours ago

All relationships take work.

by kyleighnikolaus 13 hours ago

I disagree. Your marriage that is "flowing like water" is because you got wise and learned from the first one. I'm also sure you don't want a second divorce. So therefore, you are caving in more and making life easier. I show up everyday and decide to be the best version of myself for my husband and my kid. That is WORK, period. Having the balance to work full time, have time for your partner and kid, cook dinner, do laundry, spend time together, it's all WORK.

by Big-Direction 13 hours ago

OP's husband makes it easier for her to do the work in the marriage... he got her a vacuum for xmas! She was so happy!! All flow, no suck!! /s

by Anonymous 13 hours ago

Shouldn't be unpopular but it definitely is. Terms like calling partners "the old ball and chain" are still rampant everywhere so that makes it more normalized to simply dislike the person you chose. It's very odd. Marriage isn't easy but anyone that thinks it's a no freedom wasteland definitely married the wrong one.

by trystancummerat 12 hours ago

If your relationship is so easy, chances are your partner does all the work behind the scenes.

by katherinekihn 12 hours ago

You just haven't gotten to that point yet. Relationships are work. There is trauma, dynamics and overall growth you need to work through. Your opinion is indeed unpopular albeit a bit naive.

by torpnettie 12 hours ago

If you think marriage isnt "work" or requires little effort, your partner is putting in 2x the effort to keep things working and you are the bad partner.

by Anonymous 12 hours ago

Sounds like someone on their way to a third marriage.

by Anonymous 12 hours ago

Or you are the wrong person.

by Anonymous 11 hours ago

It's not work but there is effort you need to put into your relationship and things won't always be easy. You still gotta communicate, get past issues, deal with life together, and everything else but it shouldn't be considered work or hard. Putting effort into something you love is easy.

by Anonymous 11 hours ago

There's honestly not that many people on the planet though.

by Hot_Respond 10 hours ago

I think it depends on who you are. Some people might not think compromising and showing up is work when they're in love. Others could be madly in love and still have to make a little more intentional effort. If the work is gut wrenching, yes, bad marriage. Believe me I know 🙃 but I also know myself well enough to know I am a unicorn who will probably always have to work a little to match someone else's freak/life.

by Anonymous 10 hours ago

More like THEY married the wrong person.

by rempelpierce 10 hours ago

A marriage with no work is either inept or goes nowhere because W = F * D.

by Anonymous 10 hours ago

I think if you take the word "work" at face value then you are doing the relationship wrong. When people say "work" they mean every daily task and/or parenting. Couples DO have to WORK together to get on the same page in terms of finances, responsibilities, parenting, plus so much more. Work isn't about the love aspect, loving someone for who they are should always be easy, but the work is more so the partnership. It's super easy to love someone, but to work with someone and be on the same page as partners? That takes work if you plan to be with your significant other for the rest of your life.

by Anonymous 10 hours ago

Hmmm I'm in between. I would say life is hard but marriage to the right person isn't. Super happily married and have been for 9 years. My marriage hasn't never felt like work, but it always has been intentional.

by Anonymous 10 hours ago

It's a matter of interpretation. If you define work as drudgery, no one would want a relationship like that. But as said, if work means effort, showing up for the other person even if it isn't always convenient, making sure that you think of the other person, that is what a good marriage takes. I think if someone has found a marriage that is a total breeze, that's great, but not the norm.

by Anonymous 10 hours ago

If you think marriage isn't work, your partner married the wrong person 😂

by Anonymous 9 hours ago

It's still work it's just a job you love. So it feels like never working a day in your life.

by abby61 9 hours ago

Does your partner just obey your every command and not complain? How can it not take work? Compromises need to be made and regular check-ins with eachother is important

by CommitteeAgitated407 9 hours ago

I have the exact opposite view. Marriages shouldn't be viewed primarily as work, but they do involve work. When people say this, they don't mean begrudging tedious work, they mean effort, and sometimes it's not fun effort. My take is if you don't think your marriage is work, you're not trying hard enough.

by Dry_Rip 9 hours ago

It is work. If it's not then you're not doing enough, or they're doing everything. I think you conflate work with bad and you're confused.

by Top-Individual-1066 9 hours ago

RemindMe! - 2 years

by OtherwiseHoliday 8 hours ago

I don't think this is necessarily true. It depends on how long you are married. It was very easy for us in the beginning. We were young, free spirits and did a lot of traveling. It was magical. We have been married for 30 years this year, and there is work involved. You do have to want to stay together. You have to overcome changes as a team, and learn to deal with hardship and difficulty. We are happily married, but it does take work to maintain it. It's like maintaining a vehicle. You have to change the oil and the tires, fill it up with gas and wash it sometimes.

by Anonymous 8 hours ago

Many would say if your marriage is easy it is probably because your partner has put your needs so far out in front of their needs that you encounter no difficulty and have to do bo work. Marriage is some work for two or lots of work for one. Some might say that... In response to your unpopular opinion. It. Might be unpopular because it's wrong

by Anonymous 8 hours ago

I've been with my partner for 23 years (yesterday was our anniversary). I love the Hell out of her still and I feel loved by her. It's work though. Honestly if it wasn't it'd feel artificial like I was in The Matrix or The Truman Show. Anything worth doing is usually work. Sure some work feels better than other work but generally if you don't work on something it'll fall apart or become stagnant. I'm not the same person I was when we first got together and she's not the same person either. We had to work on the relationship with each other and ourselves to maintain a good course together. We helped each other do that and still do. That's one of the things that makes it great.

by Anonymous 8 hours ago

This is the kind of thing people say when their marriage is finally having a good week.

by Miserable_Boot4069 7 hours ago

They're a difference between work and forcing it. You shouldn't have to force it, but it's normal for there to be some work/sacrifice for one another.

by Anonymous 7 hours ago

Well, considering my husband and I are the only marriage in either of our immediate families that hasn't resulted in infidelity or divorce...I'd say the work we've been putting in for 16 years is worth it.

by Corine36 6 hours ago

The only "work" we do together is serve the whims of our Lords and Masters the house cats.

by Overall-Shine-9352 6 hours ago

I love that 😹

by Briana12 6 hours ago

They do too lol

by Overall-Shine-9352 6 hours ago

Anything worth having is work. Kids, homeownership, college, sports, career, pets etc. If it's not work it's not worth having it, period.

by Anonymous 6 hours ago

All relationships are work. You need to put in effort and show up every day. Thats the definition of work. Compromise is work, going out of your way to make them feel valued is work. When people say it's work they don't mean it's difficult and you hate it, they mean you need to put in effort to make it last.

by Anonymous 6 hours ago

Wtf does that have to do with anything OP said? Projecting much?

by Alternative_Hat_9229 5 hours ago

Explain another scenario where a marriage wouldn't be work.

by Anonymous 5 hours ago

I think because the only way communicating and working together could not take effort is if one partner is a door mat and just plays the yes man to the other. Obviously a relationship would be easy if all your partner ever does is try to placate and please you, but that relationship is not healthy, and is not going to last.

by Anonymous 5 hours ago

It takes work but it shouldn't be work.

by Anonymous 5 hours ago

If your significant other doesn't want to ‘work' on marriage, you married the wrong person.

by DiamondSome710 5 hours ago

I agree 00% I'm on my second marriage and the difference is night and day. The first we had to make a lot of effort to try to be good to each other. The second we enjoy it and it's easy and fun. This isn't work. This is absolutely silliness with my absolute best person.

by Anonymous 5 hours ago

I think the being 2,000 miles away may have something to do with how incredibly easy it is.

by Anonymous 5 hours ago

Unfortunately, "oops I married the wrong person" is only clear in the rearview.

by Schmidtkathleen 4 hours ago

I'm very happily married and always surprised when people say how hard it is. Sure, compromise is needed. But it comes naturally to me because I want my spouse to feel loved and supported.

by Express-Major 4 hours ago

It's not work in the same way that going to a job is but it IS work (also known as effort). If you don't put forth any effort the relationship will rot from the inside out.

by Anonymous 4 hours ago

What is work? Is it communicating? Is it doing housework and other chores/ day to day tasks? Is it the emotional labor? Is it being considerate of them? Is it taking on a team mindset when making decisions?

by Anonymous 3 hours ago

If you love your rimjob, you'll never work a day in your life

by Adorable-Secret-6188 3 hours ago

You're correct. Love is a feeling; a RELATIONSHIP is a choice. When in love with a compatible person you don't have to choose anything, love comes naturally. "Lots of work" means an incompatible pairing.

by Anonymous 3 hours ago

How long have you been married?

by ResponsibleWay 3 hours ago

You misunderstand. People mean that relationships require effort to maintain. Not that it should be miserable.

by Empty_Hand726 2 hours ago

The divorcer

by fisherephraim 2 hours ago

It is a labor of love.

by spencerweimann 2 hours ago

I wonder what your wives would say about it.

by aaliyah47 1 hour ago

Of course marriage is work, but it should be equal work. Going to a job, cleaning the house, taking out the garbage, taking care of kids, those are all work and should be taken care of in an equitable fashion.

by Anonymous 1 hour ago

I would consider my marriage to be about as happy and perfect as one could be between two imperfect people but it still takes work. It's like a hobby project in the sense that some days the work you are putting into it is effortless, and some days are incredibly frustrating and you just want to scream. In the end you choose to work on that project everyday because you love it, it is part of your happiness and it makes you feel complete. I would argue that if you are unable to recognize the "work" that goes into making a marriage successful and mutually satisfactory then either someone isn't pulling their weight or problems are being swept under the rug

by Anonymous 1 hour ago

I don't think when people say relationships are work they mean it is a job. I'm pretty sure they mean in a relationship you need to put effort into it

by Infinite_Boot 1 hour ago

Yeah this always throws me. If I have to work to get along with a friend I get another friend. It's not an obligation, not a job. I think people are just assuming that anyone can be a match, with enough work, and so settle before realizing relationships are about fitting together, not making it fit together. If I don't like going to the bar, gtfo.

by Anonymous 1 hour ago

yeah, this is a bad take. as you get older and everyone has their own life and own goals, things take work. effort if that helps you understand it better.

by Tasty_Flatworm 45 minutes ago

Incorrect. You don't get to define how they use words or what is a worthy sacrifice in a relationship.

by schinnerhardy 32 minutes ago

I've never really understood the whole "work" thing My relationship takes 0 work. It just kinda flows and feels effortless. The only work is when we're like, actually physically working lol

by Weak-Interaction4833 12 minutes ago