+1,013If you're going to kill yourself, before you do it you should photoshop yourself out of all the pictures you can, burn all your previous possessions, and hack and delete all files of yourself, and then drown yourself in the ocean where your body will never be found, so all your friends will be like "Hey, what happened to Steve? Did ... did Steve ever exist? Did we just imagine him?" Amirite?
+831You've gotta wonder what would happened if your attitude towards a mugger was so out of the ordinary, that they wouldn't know how to react. mugger holds you at knife point "Give me all your money!" you casually open your wallet "Umm.. alright.. so I have....$76 in Monopoly money and.. rummages through wallet some more ..14 Chuck E Cheese tickets. But I like, really need these.. sooo we could.. I don't know.. maybe split them?" "......wtf is wrong with you?". Amirite?
+872Instead of the Evolution Theory or the Creation Theory, every school should just teach Simon’s Theory: “Simon, how did the world begin?” “IT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED, OK?” “But why are we here?” “BECAUSE SHUT THE FUCK UP, THAT’S WHY”, Amirite?
+861Some people think women have too many emotions to be president. That's stupid because women are masters of psychological warfare. Rather than blow up our enemies, a woman president would mind-fuck them and convince other countries to hate them. They'll sit around wondering what the hell just happened and when they ask why we're mad at them, we won't tell them. Amirite?
+515Daoism: Shit happens. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Buddhism: When this shit happens, is it really shit? Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Catholics: if shit happens, I guess I deserved it. Atheist: There is no shit going on. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, knock, shit’s happening on your door-step, amirite?
+1,450A bad dream is actually a good dream because you wake up realizing it never happened. And a good dream is really a bad dream because you wake up realizing it never happened, amirite?
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+641Good thing we don't use children's song logic in other aspects of life. "We believe you're the one who murdered that family. We have DNA evidence, 17 credible eye witnesses placing you at the scene of the crime when it happened and a high definition video of you committing it!" "Who, me?" "Yes you!" "Couldn't be!" "Damn, looks like we got the wrong guy again. Sorry for bothering you", amirite?
+913Whatever happened to the days when insults had class? For instance... Lady Nancy Astor: 'Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.' Winston Churchill: 'Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.' amirite?
+539A college class was told they had to write a short story, using as few words as possible and had to contain the following three things: Religion (B)sex (c)Mystery. This is the only A+ short story in the entire Class: "Oh my God, I'm Pregnant. I wonder how that happened!", amirite?
+528Having an insect do a fly-by of your ear is the ultimate social kryptonite. To everyone else nothing unusual happened, except their weird friend is now slapping his head and screaming. amirite?
+539Cats are great because they always make themselves seem cool. They just swagger along like "I'm just gonna walk on this really thin fence and jump off gracefully onto this bin... okay, I missed, but that's no big deal. I'm just gonna walk off like nothing happened." They're also so vicious, you know if you told anyone, you'd wake up with half a face, amirite?
-2,596I wonder if the police changed their extension for calling the police from [I don't know] to 911 because of the incident happened on 9/11, amirite?
+569It would be cruel but kinda funny if before you died, instead of a series of images of your proudest and happiest moments flashing before your eyes, it was a series of photos in which you’ve just happened to be in the background of at tourist type destinations. amirite?
+440Don’t ever use someone’s past against them.You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expression carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotion as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine. amirite?
+627I'm an Al'Qaeda pilot. I'd just infiltrated US airspace, and was flying over Florida. Some priest guy below me was burning a book. I got my binoculars out, realised it was the Qu'ran. Shit! I had to abort my mission immediately. Back at camp I told the guys what happened, and we all decided we'd better give up terrorism. And everyone lived happily ever after. THE END, amirite?